New thoughts on dating...Players!

As many of you know, I've come to various conclusions about dating over the years, only to decide my conclusions were wrong. Some of you may remember my "garden" theory. Well, now I have a new one. It's specifically about players. I'm writing about the psychology behind players as a general FYI to all of my single friends -- guys and girl friends.

Why are there so many players in NYC?

New York City attracts the most motivated, ambitious people in the country, and/or world. The problem is, their ambition often extends beyond work life, into their personal lives. They will work very, very hard with one thing in mind -- misleading you. This isn't even about anything "physical." It's about weird power games that make the player feel powerful and popular -- despite not being either (in reality.)

This is not a guy only thing. Girls can be equally socially "ambitious." This is more about manipulation and goal-setting than anything else.

Why do they do it?

Often, and sadly, these "players" have been hurt, badly. In their past former lives, they have often even been nice, decent people. Wounded at the core, and not strong enough to heal yet, they strike out in revenge, or for ego gratification, they become players. Why? This allows them to get what a very weak person is starving for:

1) get a constant ego boost -- dates will tell you what you're longing to hear!
2) avoid spending time alone -- fear of reflecting on their life and feeling awful
3) avoid potential rejection -- that could occur from having any real feelings for others (they are currently too weak to handle real rejection)
4) false feeling of "power" or being "in control" -- having a spreadsheet w/ dates on it makes them feel like god calling the shots AND keeps it removed from their heart and their surprisingly sensitive ego
5) getting affection -- the player desperately needs affection and love (as they are a weak pit of despair inside) but they can't risk actually mutually exchanging to get this the normal way. So they lie and essentially steal love and affection without giving any of their own. EXAMPLE: This would be like someone who went to pot lucks all day and ate everyone else's food without bringing anything and lying about it, "oh, I uh, brought the pie." How cool is that? That's how cool players are.

Players, upon reading the above example, will think it sounds like a cool idea. Like Wedding Crashers but for pot lucks. Soon they will be showing up at your office trying to see what's in the break room. This is only one step away from stealing people's lunches. Very impressive. *swoon*

Are players decent human beings?

No. If they were, they could just be themselves and still have the hunnies flock -- but they can't be themselves and they know it. Their only option is to lie. If they were themselves, no one would date them. This is why they create their "personas." Their real personalities are kind of sad. Or sometimes whiny, dry, and selfish -- sort of like that kid demanding candy in the grocery store. No one wants to be around that kid.

Being a player gives them all the surface level ego-stroking they need to convince themselves they are still a decent human being. Meanwhile the over-booking that happens while dating several people at once prevents those pesky hours of free time from occurring -- that is the time when a normal person would ponder questions like "hmm, I feel guilty, perhaps because I no longer have a soul -- how can I remedy this?"

With no time to waste reflecting on how to improve their life or integrity, or doing the hard emotional work required to be brave and face life, they instead focus on easy-to-understand end goals. It also prevents them from having time to worry about the purpose of their life, or facing their huge amounts of shame for amounting to not very much (despite often being financially "successful").

Players are lonely

Players at heart are cowardly, and spend most of their time and money covering up this fact. If they were braver, they wouldn't care so much what others think -- i.e. arm candy, nice cars, expensive clothing, bragging to friends, etc. Confident people don't have to fake it: they just are great as they are and that's that. Just like extremely rich people often wear sweat pants, because they can. Who do they need to impress? Players need. Winners don't need.

Players are constantly faking it -- and they KNOW it, which is really pretty pathetic. Their dates help them maintain their self-lies and illusions -- but they also know they can never be themselves with their dates (or anyone)...and this is the really sad part. Surrounded by beautiful people, they are lonely, because no one actually knows them.

They are fully aware that if they were honest, they would be LEFT in the dust. And that is the sign of someone who truly has not a speck of confidence -- true confidence is putting it all out there, taking a risk, and letting the chips fall where they may. Not pretending to be James Bond to cover up for the fact that you may get rejected, or hurt, or have someone tell you they don't like you -- that's hard stuff to face for the player. Inside, the players is weak. It's actually pretty sad from their end.

The goals of the (guy or girl) player are to:

1) get the person to do something they normally wouldn't -- such as be interested in the "player"
2) Use the person as entertainment (the time spent together is amusing/they are a challenge like a video game)
3) to keep the person as a "back-up" and include them in a list of I don't know, 5, 10 other people who range from being very interested, to slightly, to I hate you -- doesn't matter, they stay on the list so long as they are willing to text back.
4) to keep their social calendar as booked as possible because they are afraid to be alone (time alone means they may have to think about who/what they've become - smiling dates are an easy distraction to help them continue their lie of a life and avoid the truth about themselves.
5) to keep the person around as long as possible, because to be rejected is very hard for such a weak person (and players are at their core, weak and insecure -- otherwise they wouldn't need games and could tell people straight up what the situation was and risk rejection). Honesty is hard if you're too weak to handle it.

How to spot the players

It is not so easy to spot the players, as they have updated their little game playing manuals. The typical signs are out the window.

In their place are newer and more elaborate rules that insecure players use to prevent being revealed. The old games I knew of back in Phoenix gone. sort of like how Skinny Jeans hit NYC about 2 years before AZ. I'm still trying to catch up...

The old ways to spot a player:
-buying you too much/gifts/praise too early on
-big promises too early on
-agreeing with everything you say
-hot and cold games (to keep you interested)
-online dating advice guys get such as being "cocky funny" i.e. "I love your dress! My mom has the same one!" Or "your shoes are ugly. I'm just joking!" designed to throw the girl off and forget she's suppose to be sizing the guy up.
-calling way too often to appear interested (when they really aren't)
-not calling often (to see if you will call)
-asking questions about what you like and then telling you everything you want to hear
-lying (and getting their lies confused)
-getting too "personal" too quickly and pretending to care
-asking what kind of jewelry you like/what kind of steak, etc.
-saying they'll take you on trips
-appearing too good to be true/perfect
-being overly impressed with everything about you
-not calling/seeing you during a "time-slot" i.e., certain days/weekends only
-the player having a perfect expensive wardrobe
-possibly having a sports car/other clear status symbols

The new ways to spot a player:
-you can't

Why spotting the player is now impossible

Let's explain why. You can't spot a player in Manhattan because they are that good. And by "good" I mean "insecure." Insecure people are terrified of being "found out" to be the losers they actually are. This is why they buy a lot of Armani. Shiny stuff is distracting.

In addition to this fear insecurity comes practice. Due to deep emotional problems, any players have been in practice for as many as 5, 10, 20 or more years -- in that amount of time it's easy to master anything -- golf, Japanese, emotional manipulation.

The new players vs. the old players? It's the difference between the old school easy-to-spot used car salesperson vs. the new "Enron cook the books" types. The former is tricky, the latter is a trick.

Being a player means you are manipulating someone -- lying to them. Leading them down one path, only to change direction. This means the fewer rules the better. The more fluid the approach, the better.

The game here is not for a simple conquest...

as it was in the past -- in Manhattan those are a dime a dozen. Many a ditzy bar girl is waiting at the club/bar and doesn't at all mind going home w/ the guy -- so to a player (who likes challenges) that has gotten boring.

They'd rather take a kind, decent human being and mess with them. It's only fun for them if they really deceive and hurt the person -- then they've won. They've then succeeded in taking love without giving any -- and this makes them feel powerful.

This is sort of like trying to get Mother Teresa involved in a drug dealing scheme, just to see if you can. And then see how long she's willing to be involved -- this is where the players weird sense of "power" comes from. It's sick. But it's common, very common in this city.

You may have heard the theory that criminals get a huge rush of power by taking a gun and putting it to someone's head and robbing them, because it gets someone to pay attention to them. I think it's a similar sort of motivation that players have.

They flash money, lies, attention, looks -- whatever gets someone's attention. I think they get addicted to that rush. Because logically, it's a losing game for them (in terms of money, time, and what they walk away with, i.e., nothing -- for female or male players). These games can go on for months and months, sometimes years. There is no long-term financial or emotional gain to be had. It's the "junk food" of relationships.

Can we categorize players?

No. I've seen players come in all sizes, shapes, races, backgrounds and industries. They usually make a good amount of money (because dating 5 or 6 women and impressing them w/ nice food and drinks is pricey -- or for women, buying all of that make-up, personal trainers and nice outfits), but not always. Some will even attempt to manipulate the date into buying them stuff (also a challenge!). Often, they are fashionable, but often, not. Some prefer to look average so you don't see the player-ish-ness coming. It blindsights you that way.

Will players take you somewhere snazzy?

They won't always take you for dinner and drinks somewhere snazzy also (though a lot will). Some will even meet you during the DAY when you have your guard down (as a circulating email forward instructed guys to do -- it was the Guy's NYC Guide to Getting Laid -- or something to that effect). The only trick here is to do what she expects a future boyfriend to do, whatever that means to HER -- and once he figures that out he'll do that. It's all about faking and pretending everything, so there don't need to be rules at all. They have one goal -- to get you interested when they really don't care either way. And they go to great lengths to attain this goal. The sort of lengths you would assume a someone who actually was interested would go to. But nope. These new players are in it for the game only.

It's like their ambition, intelligence and drive isn't properly being used up enough at work, so they carry this into the rest of their life, trying to create some sort of weird "master plan" of their dating life, with variables and algorithms and predictions of what they should say to whom and who they should blow off, and who they should text -- it's all very calculated, down to every word, syllable and nuance -- in the end, it's a complete waste of time (for the player too).

The players methods...

Players will study and use any information they find on the internet, tips from friends, and they'll often even ask their dates which techniques work best on them. They'll for instance make a joke about guys who use lame pick up lines and then eagerly wait to see if she'll spill the "lame" onces she's heard -- so he can run home and add them to his list of "what not to say."

Though I could spill a whole list of things they do, they mostly get the other person to be thrown off guard, take control of the situation and then tell the person what they want to hear. This can be done obviously or with subtext and implication.

The only way to tell you are being played is if you find yourself asking yourself "could they be a player?" If that has EVER crossed your mind -- they are. Dump them. Next.

For more details on the player's mindset, here is an interesting blog written by what looks to be a self-admitting player: http://eve-101.com/the-inadvertent-misogynist-confessions-of-a-serial-dater/

Players will choose some words to look spontaneous or absent-minded, so you assume they are "human." Sometimes they'll even show up unshaven in casual clothes, to make it look like they're letting their guard down. They'll also do and say nearly the identical things that a potential boyfriend would -- except in this case, every nuance is a carefully constructed lie.

To them, it's a game and nothing more. And if they let you know that, the challenge would be killed for them. It's more fun to hunt in the wild I guess, versus kill a cow in line at a meat factory.

What is the end result?

For the player, the end result is a bunch of people texting them everyday. This makes them feel special and popular. They don't realize that most of these people are also players, who are simultaneously texting their entire address book at once also.

This dating posse allows them to have back-up options if any plans fall through because GOD FORBID they spend a night alone! How would anyone do THAT? Does this remind you of Jerry Maguire? It should. At their core, players are lonely and sad, which is why they want to feel POPULAR! And SPECIAL! But in a way in which they don't actually have to get ATTACHED!

The other end result is they get that rush of a challenge that one gets hunting, or gambling, or sitting in front of a video game all day -- this makes them feel cool. Because what is cooler than a a gamer? *swoon* That's why all the chicks gather at the video game section at the electronic stores.

For everyone else, it results in WHAT THE HELL?

Can players change?

Yes, if they wanted to. But it takes a lot of guts to be honest and be yourself. Players don't have guts.

Tips for those Trying to NOT Play the Game:

1) Does the body language match what is being said -- this can be hard to tell, but if he says "I'm having the time of my life" but his arms are crossed...um, maybe he's lying. Liars get lazy and think you're too stupid to notice, so watch out for this. The strange thing to me, is that they will put in sooo much time when they probably are not having fun, just for the sake of "the game."

2) Your intuition -- take a few days off from dating the person. Ask yourself "what is the truth about this person?" If you're open and honest with yourself, you'll get an answer that comes deep from within yourself, that surpasses logic -- the truth is always there. You probably won't be able to list the reasons why it's true (because anything can be argued for or against, and the old/new player guides make it too complicated to size this up). But some tiny part of you will be able to realize it. If you ask yourself for the truth, it will hit you on the head. Then, replace their name in your cell phone to "do not pick up #7."

3) Does he seem annoyed? If he/she is a player and you're having a great time (since you really like the person they are pretending to be), you'll probably want to hang out even LONGER! and do more fun stuff. The player will go along with your 6-7 hour date, but will eventually get tired and start to regret that they spent so much time/money on you when they are clearly going home alone. At this point their body langauge will seem tense, annoyed, anxious, BUT they will insist they are having "the greatest time!"

4) Does it bother him if you won't commit to an opinion? Players enjoy telling you what you want to hear. So if they don't have a clear idea what your opinions are, they can't cater to them. I've noticed when I've been extremely neutral on a topic, I've gotten a somewhat frustrated response from players. How can they impress me with their knowledge of X if they don't know that I like X?

5) Move to a tiny town or the Midwest -- go somewhere where values (of any kind) are still popular.

Good luck!

With all that said, the question remains...

Are players cool?

Yes, the old definition of a player, was slightly cool in that they did have lots of people interested in them. However, the new player is essentially playing a James Bond video game. Not in the arcade, but with online gaming friends, as they don't have any real ones.

And as they are slinking around a corner to shoot someone with Bond music playing -- their mother calls and says "Aww sweetie you look just like James Bond! Did you get the toe socks I sent?" and he beams and says "Yeah and guess how many points I got! A LOT! And I'm wearing the toe socks now! I love the stripes! And don't worry I'll remember to wear my sweater later...do you know that I'm drinking Tang too. I love Tang!"

That's about as far as the coolness factor of the new player actually extends...but you somehow won't know that, with all of the smoke, mirrors, lies, manipulation and other shenanigans that constitute being a NYC player.

Yes, this is how cool the player actually is, underneath the Armani. As cool as a Tang-drinking, striped toe-sock wearing person, sitting on the floor and playing Bond with his online friends. Um, *cringe*. This is why players will go to great lengths to mislead you.

Once the truth hits you though, it's extremely easy to move on -- even for a non-player.