the dress

The Versace dress was well worth it.

It has a life of it's own, and I'm just along for the ride. ;)

I can never think of good titles.

• My 4-year-NYC-anniversary was about a month ago. I still love the city as much as ever, but I just know it better.
  

• I'm in love with soy chorizo. omg. It's amazing. I can't get enough of it.
  

• The tastiest thing in the world, is to put coconut oil onto popcorn, and sprinkle cinnamon on it -- it tastes like there's sugar in there, but there isn't. And all of those ingredients are super healthy.
  

Silly Reason for Physical Therapy...

I wish I could say I slipped while scaling a mountain, or pulled a muscle while dancing with the NY Ballet company, or something like that. But no.

So about 6 months ago, I wobbled on some high heels -- yes you read that right -- and pulled a whole bunch of things. I ignored it and kept running and working out, etc.

I finally knew I had a problem when I was literally limping to meet my friends, and I had to lean against a cold metal pole outside of a restaurant, because I needed an ice pack.

I finally went to the doctor, and I had bursitis and needed 4-6 weeks of physical therapy. I guess it was much worse than I'd realized, and I could tell when I started doing the exercises -- ouch. Even some of the massage was killing me. I guess I ignore pain pretty easily, until it's right in my face.

The bad thing is I can't run or exercise or do anything (I'm not even suppose to cross my legs or stand w/ one hip out), for a few more weeks! That of course is sooo tough to do!

But I'm already seeing improvement, and I haven't been limpy since I started going. Yes. That's worth it for sure.

Ridiculous Fears...

I'm usually a pretty chill person, however, I started having panic attacks about 5 weeks ago. I forced myself to keep taking the subway for a while, but then realized it was getting worse. So now I'm taking a break from the horrifying subway -- yes, it terrifies me more than just about anything.

I was walking up to my door around 4am one night, and some sketchy guy was standing there, and I was actually a little excited that he might attack me, because I knew I at least had an OPTION to do something about it, such as attack him back or run away -- at least I would have a choice in that -- part of me really wanted to use my fight or flight I think, and was like, "finally!" I think he saw that glint in my eyes, and he actually took a few steps away from me. On the subway, I just have to sit there, as I nearly have a heart attack and hyperventilate.

It sounds ridiculous, and I always imaged a "panic attack" would feel like a more intense nervous feeling, like when you have to give a speech. No. It doesn't feel like that.

It's the same feeling as if you're about to drown, and the water is still rising. You literally feel like you're about to die, and you have one shot left -- except, there is nothing within your power to do. Except sit there. And wait to die.

The last time, my heart started pounding so hard and fast, that I didn't know it was possible for it to do so, as we inched through the subway tunnel, as it came dangerously close to stopping in the dark tunnel -- which is my fear, since I can't get out, even if I wanted to.

I've been scared. It doesn't feel like this. I wouldn't even call it "fear." I'd say it's a word we don't have in our language.

I would rather be, and this is true, on the front lines of some sort of war, than sitting in that subway seat. I think I'd have less of a chance of having a heart attack.

Elevators also are starting to really freak me out, especially the prospect that it will stop and not open. Also, cabs when they stop in traffic, and cabs in tunnels. And windowless rooms, such as a doctors office with the door closed.

It sounds silly, but I know it's just an overflow of stress. I'm working on it, and I know it will go away soon.

I would never let something like this keep me from living in the greatest city in the world, and

I just read this in an article, and thought it was great:

"All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."