The hurricane

Let's start with a dramatic photo of the East Village -- the first neighborhood I lived in, in NYC. This is supposedly 8th Street and Ave C (I lived a half a block from here (if you kept walking left out of the photo), and where the small car is on the left side is where where my small grocery store was). I also had lived two blocks south of here, and then 8 blocks south of here (for 2 years). So very odd to see this photo!

 I didn't take this photo, so can't vouch for its accuracy of the exact location, but it said it was 8th n C.

I really lucked out with this hurricane. Aside from the wind noises and pre-storm news hysteria scaring me, nothing bad happened (to me anyway).

Most of the city lost power...40th street and below. I was super prepared for this, and expected to lose power. I was waiting for Sandy all day, then waiting for power to go out, and/or a tree to blow through the window -- there are a bunch of trees right outside my window with branches that scrape by the glass in a creepy way even on a normal windy day.

The lights flickered 3-4 times during the night. Facebook posts from a guy who lives a block away kept saying "lights flickering...this won't end well!" which was not encouraging. I had my giant stack of books and battery-opperated lightbulbs and flash lights and candles all set up, waiting. My laptop and cell phone were all charging. My dry food was all sitting out in an easy-to-get-at box. My windows were taped. As the wind noises got louder and louder I even put some duct tape over the window frames (in case trees came in I figured it might catch some glass). and I put cardboard over my AC vents and duct taped that. I made a hot meal, in case I was without heat for a week. I made a bunch of calming tea, chamomile and valerian, as I get panic attacks when trapped -- so the idea of being trapped inside for a week was not comforting. I filled pans with water, filled the tub with water, froze icecubes and 5 big glasses full of water, plus the bottled water I could carry home and up the stairs (that stuff is heavy, so only could get enough for a few days).

I'd bought an assortment of "survival" food that was not very tasty such as a huge thing of peanut butter, but I later went out for "tasty" comfort food snacks such as already popped popcorn, juice-box sized milks, shortbread cookies w/ chocolate, and other such "necessities."

In those last minutes before 6pm I realized I had an old ipod shuffle, and ran to find it to charge it and upload my (small) itunes library to it. I then was desperate to purchase the new Justin Bieber album, as that seemed to be the kind of light and pop-ish stuff I would want to hear if I was sitting in a dark room with a candle, eating cold vegetable soup from a can, reading through that old stack of mags I never bothered to throw out -- it uploaded just in time.

I paced around.

And luckily, nothing happened! I didn't even have to use my "back-up" last resort Bieber songs, though I think the experience made me a belieber. 

News such as this did not alleviate my fears.

It was surprising how anxious I became. At lot of it was from watching the news all day. I wanted to be informed, but all of the facts of just how bad it was made me anxious. Then I was waiting 6-7pm, when it was suppose to hit the hardest. As the winds picked up, they became quite loud and came in waves, with a few seconds of quiet in between. When the winds became the peak of loudness it really sounded like something could easily smash through the window, so I'd run towards the back of my apmt (it's one room w/ 2 windows, so no where to "be away from windows" except for the bathroom. I'd run and stand in the bathroom until the sounds died down a bit, come out for a few moments, and repeat.

As the storm continued, I was getting texts from friends downtown who were losing power, and wanted news. And another friend who didn't lose power, but was basically as freaked out as I was -- he was in a very tall residential building, 38th floor, and as the storm was getting loud he said he had one foot out the door and was eyeing the elevators -- I of course said that was a bad idea, as it could get stuck -- but clearly it was a fight or flight irrational reaction. Another friend bought a radio but hadn't tried out the batteries and they didn't work. So all she had was a candle and a rapidly dying iphone.

I texted a bunch of people and told everyone to text the thread w/ any news, since people were losing power. Instead they texted me questions individually...so in any event, I was trying to type out the news as it became available, which at least gave me something to do w/ all that nervous energy.

I was surprised more people didn't prepare. Basing this on the random online dating emails I was getting (more than normal, as people were cooped up), it seemed most guys hadn't prepared really at all -- not smart. A lot of people thought the storm last year not hitting hard meant this year would be the same. I almost figured it would be worse because last year's wasn't.

As the wind started howling and strange sounds started outside, I decided to clean to calm my nerves. I HATE to clean. But, I organized 3 closets, put away a bunch of laundry, organized jewelry, etc. It really helped, and at least I was left with something productive being done.

I was still upset by it, but didn't come close to having a panic attack at all -- I only get those when I feel trapped. And technically I could go outside, I just chose not to. But after reading an article about a Williamsburg apmt building (which is part of Brooklyn close to the city with a lot of hipsters), that locked-in residents who didn't leave before the storm for at least 24 hours, I started to feel panicky and had to remind myself that my building wasn't locked -- though I didn't know that for sure, but there was no reason it would be. I then started worrying that there might be flooding that could last for a few days -- since the East Village had 3 feet of flooding. Luckily, no flooding.

It was almost shocking when the winds finally had a bigger gap between them, closer to 1am...it was such a relief I almost couldn't believe it. They kept on occasionally but didn't sound too threatening. I slept on the couch just to be sure, as it was shielded from the window by a decorative curtain on my bed frame. 

I woke up to the news saying that the 59th street area (where I'm close to) was totally fine with the bridge re-opened.

The streets had a strange feel to them today. I couldn't tell if it was a lot of tourists? Because there was luggage and confused-walkers. But that could be disoriented locals also who had come to the area to escape the low-lying zones, and were trying to figure out how to get back.

The subways are closed for up to a week or more. Buses are running, but packed full, and the streets are crazy slow and crowded (since cars are the only way to come and go from the city  -- there's a lot of bridge and tunnel people from other boroughs). Airports are all closed.

It was interesting to realize EVERYONE in the city is now in the same world as me -- unable to take transportation. I'd felt so trapped due to my panic attacks on subways, trains, and planes, and now millions of people are in the same boat of having those options excluded.

 I didn't take this photo, but thought it looked interesting. People walking on a closed highway...which wasn't closed for that long...

People downtown now wouldn't dream of taking the very slow bus anywhere, or paying a big price for a cab, but that's how I've been living for a year.

Uptown was a different world from downtown though -- the only real change was big herds of people walking on the sidewalks, and the bars were louder and more crowded for a weekday for sure! -- normally all those people would be at work and/or traveling via subway.

But downtown all the lights were out, the bars closed, and it seemed people were hunting for generator-supplied cell phone charger outlets. I saw a photo of a deli charging to use the outlets from their generator, until it broke.

I also didn't take this photo. This was close to Union Sq. A deli letting people charge phones for a fee, until their generator broke. You can see the guy counting cash. Not a bad idea really.

The main stress for most people is being inside at night w/o light, computer use, or cell phone use. Hardly anyone was killed or injured -- I only heard 1 story that had a reason the storm was involved in a death, which was from someone outside during the hurricane hit by a falling tree. I haven't heard of any other deaths that were due to the storm itself.

It seems a little silly to me that people are calling this such a huge tragedy when compared to other tragedies in the world (and places where there is never power), just about everyone was just fine, and just missing their iphones. It's no worse than camping. I think we're actually a bit spoiled to think a few days w/o power is the end of the world.

There were some dramatic photos, but those were really NOT the norm at all. The flooding was almost all along beach areas, except for the East Village -- 3 feet of water there I admit was very strange, and the building losing its facade was odd, though not unheard of -- I previously saw a story about how government buildings here such as schools often don't meet codes, and it's overlooked (bricks can crack, and walls can pull away from each other on the roof), so any of those problems would make it easy to collapse with a bit of extra wind.

It was very unfortunate that a hospitals back-up generator failed and they had to move patients to another hospital. I wonder if that's where most of those deaths actually occurred, since there was no mention of this in the media. I can't help but think it might be the fault of the hospital, since the rest of the hospitals didn't have problems, but I'm just very critical of the whole medical establishment and their lack of concern for patients in general.

My parents are set to come to visit on Saturday. It'll be the first time my dad has been here in decades, so that's great. Provided that La Guardia is no longer flooded by that time! As of now it's full of water.

A friend from back in AZ was swinging by to say hello tomorrow, except his flight for Thurs was cancelled, so he's trying to re-schedule when the airports are open.

I'm trying to figure out how to meet up w/ friends when they live an hour and a half walk away.

Luckily one of my prospective online dates only lives about a 30 min walk away, so we're going to meet in the middle, which is really only a 15 min walk, so this shouldn't affect my online dating much, lol. Though everyone in the cool downtown neighborhoods will be out of that pool for a while.

I was a bit upset when two of the three restaurants that the guy suggested were places I'd gone w/ the second-to-last guy I'd dated...that was one I really liked who ended up having issues, but I was bummed about how it ended. Seriously, of all the thousands of restaurants, he had to pick a Japanese place and a new ambiance kinda place that the second-to-last-guy had chosen? So I opted for the not-as-good looking third choice (restaurant I mean, not guy), just to not be reminded of the second-to-last guy. I guess the new one does have pretty good taste in restaurants though. Though I don't really think we're compatible from some stuff on his profile (he doesn't think humans come from monkeys as is a republican), but we'll see I guess.

I did end it w/ the last guy, as it wasn't going anywhere and I just didn't think he was the right one for me, even regardless of the lipstick-in-the-car issue...he had some good qualities but that click just wasn't there. I wrote a very nice goodbye email and was hurt he didn't even write back, but oh well. I guess no one likes to get goodbye email.

I've been getting lots of email lately from guys who are the SAME personality type as me. (I put my type in my profile). The problem is I've tried to date my same type for over 10 years and it ALWAYS ends badly after 1-3 months, guaranteed. I've given up on dating them. However, these guys are the only really good looking, good catches, and it's like water-water-everywhere-not-a-drop-to-drink. The city is swarming w/ ENFP guys. And this is just useless and frustrating to me. At least the one tomorrow is an ESTJ, which isn't a bad match. And I guess I should be grateful for the three INTJs and two ISTPs from earlier this year, because it shows that some introverts DO still exist.

Finding non-player ones, who are emotionally healthy, and who are not on a lot of medication or looking to play weird ego games is another story...and so it continues...but I'll just keep carrying on until I eventually find the right person, which should happen at least in the next 30 years at some point or another!

Well so at least I have a huge box of snacks now, a ton of bottled water, and a lot of supplies like flashlights if/when this happens again -- which is does seem to be a yearly thing at this point!

Later gaters.

Hurricane and Halloween

It's strange to prepare for both on the same day. My mind is a scramble of "where is my Alice in Wonderland costume?" and "I need to sew the broken part of my rabbit purse back on" and "I wonder how important an emergency radio is?" and "how much water can I really carry at one time?"

The stores are this weird mix of people buying Halloween candy, beer for parties, and large amounts of candles and canned goods. There was a lot of tension in the Chef Boyardee section, with people unsure if they should grab large amounts mixed with, "hmm, do I really ever want to eat whatever that is?"

I bought an enormous jar of cheap peanut butter. I really don't like the stuff, but hey, survival is survival.

Dressing up as Alice again this year, will write more later. Best wishes for a city NOT destroyed by a hurricane.

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I lost my iphone :(

I'd never lost a phone before, ever. Going back to my first cell phone in college. I don't tend to lose things very often, and usually, if I do, the thing has fallen behind something like a bed or shelves.

So when I left my iphone in a cab, I just couldn't believe it. :(

It's really bizarre, but again, I didn't drink much (3 drinks for the whole night, with food), and I came home and was throwing up like crazy, and the whole next day I was about to throw up and exhausted (I took a 4 hour nap). It was again a date, and I was reading online that people are putting eye drops in drinks now, which have a much milder effect than roofies, but do result in throwing up, not feeling well, etc., with some slight memory loss/slowing of heart rate, etc. Eye drops have actually killed people before, so you don't want to mess around with that.

It seems impossible that this could have happened to me twice, but this guy seemed kinda shady, and I was DUMB and again left my drink on the bar and went to the bathroom. It was just really dumb. It was a big drink, and there was no way I could finish it before going to the ladies. But I shouldn't have kept drinking it when I returned.

I couldn't even remember if I had taken a cab home or not, so I had to look at my credit card bill. I didn't remember getting ready for bed, and I knew I'd thrown up but I couldn't remember where. It was at home. I called my mom on the landline and asked her to text my phone (in case someone found it), but sadly whoever found it turned it off and kept it. She said I sounded extremely drunk.

So, goodbye Iphone4s. I'm going to buy a new one tomorrow, but I really miss that phone, and all my data. I had backed it up on my desktop, but the application expired and I didn't pay the $10 to renew it...ugh.

It was also a bday gift from my ex husband, right after I moved out. 

The worst part is not having my calendar. I now have to make a lot of calls and ask "when were we meeting" or "when does this class start" etc. So frustrating.

Maybe I should just give up on dating for a while.

I recently had one guy, very good looking, who giggled during the entire date. Not just the beginning. On paper he was great, but I just couldn't get past that school girl nervous giggle -- yuck. We hung out for the whole night, at least 6 hours or so, and he giggled constantly. It was unnerving.

The thing is, I had at least 4-5 strong mixed drinks (one after the next -- I was drinking without a break the whole time) and ended with 2 shots (one right after the next), and I didn't throw up at all or feel sick in the slightest. I wasn't hung over the next day either. And of course I didn't lose anything, and I remember not really even acting drunk. I completely remember saying goodbye, getting in the cab, going home, etc.

So that's why I felt it was strange that 2 wines and a mixed drink (with food) would knock me out like that. 

The worst part was, at some point, I texted the guy (from the previous lipstick-the-wasn't-mine story), and I told him that I'd read his Yelp reviews, and realized (from his review of a bar he was at on a date w/ some blonde girl) that he'd picked me up immediately after leaving a previous date -- it made me mad because he was complaining he was working and studying a lot, and said "he couldn't read another page, so let's hang out," and I HATE lies.

So here I am texting him super late at night, and then I lost my phone, so I don't even know what his reaction was. I do remember he texted that he wrote a bunch of reviews at one time, so the date was a few weeks before, but who knows.

I don't even care about him seeing others, since I told him early on that I didn't want to be exclusive with him (I just don't think he's a long term match), so there's no reason for me to even be upset about the Yelp thing, except for the dishonesty. He could have said he was out with "a friend" or whatever. I just can't stand lies. I was planning on ending it for a while, but I guess this is a good excuse to.

I also lost the phone numbers of all of the guys I was talking to. Luckily, there weren't any in there that I was that excited about, but if there were, that would have been horrible. Because what would I do, text them and say, "Oh, were you planning on asking me out again? Because I've lost my phone. If not, carry on and have a nice life." LOL.

Ugh.

At least I have my land line phone. And thank God I didn't lose my keys, because I have no way to get in if that happens. I should really find a key-friend to keep a set I guess. And my mom sent me a cool colander/strainer thing.

I'm really enjoying my gym classes though. The kangaroo spring shoes one is pretty amazing. After 3 times going, I can finally not need to take breaks...before I had to take about 4!

I took a break from working on the panic attacks, but need to get back into that. I'm thinking of just going and standing on the subway platform, until I can get the guts to get on an local train and just go 1 stop. My fear is that the car would get stuck (before I can work up to longer times). But we'll see i guess.

Hopefully if I can do that, I can conquer trains, and then work up to planes, which I can't even imagine doing at this point. It's been almost 2 years since I've been home, and it makes me dizzy to even think about. I really miss it, and it's strange to feel like I "can't" go, so I really need to conquer this.

But on the plus side, match is using some of my advice in an upcoming article that will come out in several months. Strange anyone would take my advice when my life is so ridiculous right now, but I'm still very thankful for it. And I'm also thankful to have my mom to call drunk in the middle of the night when I've lost my phone.

Maybe I should just stop drinking. I don't even really even like it. It's just what people do here when they go out. I really hate having a headache the next day. Maybe I'll do a cleanse diet or something. 

Hopefully these posts will stop being so depressing soon!

Suburbia Day, Leaving the City for Chain Stores

Lipstick, carbs, and other things..

I realized I may as well talk about my personal life, because that's more fun for me. I avoided it for a while, due to fear someone I know might find it. But then I realized no one is secretly stalking me, so how much do I care? As much as the honey badger. So not very much.

Years ago, when people still had some interest in googling me, a bad date read my blog about him and he completely freaked out. But that was back when I'd posted the link on my myspace page, and now I don't think anyone remembers it now, nor do people take any interest in googling me, so it's all good. I mean seriously, head count, we have what, three people reading this? Minus my mom, two?

Yay. So we can have some more interesting blogs now, versus detailed accounts of wallpaper, and that sort of usual boring factual stuff I write about.

Anyway. 

I decided I really missed Target and Olive Garden. Because I'm still afraid of planes, I couldn't do my yearly trip back to Arizona -- and those are my main activities back in Tucson (plus Mexican food and hiking). So I convinced "a friend" that'd be a fun place to drive to. So I was itching to do some suburban things.

Being in the city is great, but I started to really miss those doughy bread sticks and slow-moving herds of people. Ah, slow moving. Meandering. Not even that aware of your surroundings. No one looking at you funny on the street, and no need to slowly slink away from some crazy person screaming some creative words for no reason -- let's be clear though, I absolutely still LOVE New York, despite this. It adds to its dirty charm. ;)

So, we're in the convertible, lovely weather out, speeding down some highway, when he reaches into that little compartment(the place you throw change in a car), and he's like "You left this lipstick in here." I stare at.

"Nope, not mine...," I say.

I almost break into laughter. Did he plant a lipstick to make me jealous? Or did some girl leave this here to stake her claim? There's not much I can say to ease the awkwardness, and he doesn't say anything.

Trying to give someone SOMEONE ELSE'S possession is definitely in the top 5 of awkward dating moments.

I once did this myself years ago, but it wasn't my fault. You know how laundromats sometimes have a random old man sock stuck in the dryer, that gets mixed with your stuff? This happened to me, when I announced, "honey you left some boxers here I guess." Needless to say, an awkward moment.

Anyway, so I'd dated this guy for a while, but I made it clear I didn't see things really moving forward -- I just despise it when people aren't clear with me, so I try to be as clear as possible -- and he was totally okay with that, since he's super busy working and going to Yale part time for a masters thing. Great guy, but just not my soul mate or whatever. So it was totally fine that there was a lipstick there. I later joked that I hoped the lipstick made it back to its true owner, and he said it was his classmates who he gave a ride home back to the city. That's fine. Just like I go out with my "friends" to dinner or drinks. We all know these words are just code for "all of my other dates."

So, he was down for my "Suburbia Day" plan, and we drove like an hour out of the city to a shopping center, which was exciting. Sadly, I forgot that malls close early on weekends, and he wasn't aware -- as he grew up in the city. Luckily the Olive Garden was still open, whew!

There was a wait, since all of suburbia had shown up, since it was prob the only thing open. I suggested we get drinks at the bar while waiting, so when our little buzzer went off, I had to carry my pink martini to the table -- sigh, I tried to not be city-ish, yet the martini found me.

It was then a fantastic blur of carbs. Fantastic. Carbs. I pretty much ate the whole thing.

I started thinking maybe I should just end it, as it's not really going anywhere, but he said, "Target next time." God I love Target. So we'll see. I mean, really really miss that dollar section. And I wonder if they have any rugs??

In other news, I think I lost my faith in humanity for a while there. But then I read that 90 percent of the population are not sociopaths, and do have feelings. That restored (part) of my faith in humanity. I try to look for those little signs of empathy and true feelings in others, though everything can be faked.

Not all of them are bad of course, but they're disabled emotionally. Sociopaths have a lack of empathy, superficial charm and an impulsive nature. Looking back on it, I think I dated several. And I think I had a boss like that too.

I just need to remember it's not everyone. Just some. I mean, I guess I can't blame them for being born that way. They still want to be loved, but they just can't return it in an emotional way. But they can return it in logical ways. Like loving a computer program or something. I dunno, I just don't think I'll ever really wrap my head around it.

Well now I'm pretty sure...

He prob gave me some kind of drug, that wasn't a roofie, but might have been some kind of prescription drug or something. One of my friends said vallium or something like that could make it so I'd still have some memory.

I kept thinking maybe I was wrong, and drank a lot I just couldn't remember drinking.

Then he emailed me (after about a week) and said my earrings were there, and he could drop them off or mail them. Also strange, since I didn't remember taking my earrings off at ALL, and I never take off jewelry unless I'm planning to sleep somewhere -- I had NO intention of sleeping there, so I wonder if they took my earrings off for me. They were cheap ones, so who cares.

Anyway, I didn't want any contact w/ this guy, but I wondered if I asked him how much I drank, if that would clear up the mystery. If he told me that we did 5 shots and gave me all the details, maybe it'd explain it?

So I asked "how much did I drink?" and he said "I think it was all a bit hazy for all of us after the improv club."

Totally suspicious answer, since he didn't tell me what I'd drank. And it makes me wonder if he knew I'd not had much to drink, and was trying to make it seem "normal" that I felt hazy.

Also, I have this big phobia of being trapped, so not being able to leave their apmt normally would put me into a panic attack -- even if I was drunk! I can still panic and be drunk. So really makes me think it was some kind of chillax medication he slipped me...

I also had been thinking that maybe I was just really drunk, but I got even drunker several time this weekend and 1) I never threw up 2) I only felt mildly hungover (barely a headache) 3) I still felt super anxious when I had to get in an elevator, even after drinking about 5 strong drinks.

So I'm pretty much convinced he gave me some kind of anti-anxiety medication...

I was upset and not feeling feeling for a while, but then realized it's no big deal, and there are always some people like that out there.

So I decided to go on a bunch of dates, to just get back out there, so I went out w/ 5 people this weekend. (It was a long weekend). And I'm much more careful to finish drinks before go to the ladies room.

It's a bit sad that summer is over. I would have liked to travel more. But at least I got to go to the beach, and the convertibles were nice. It's the only thing I can really do right now, as far as transportation goes. It's a nice way to see the city, especially at night.

Panic Attacks are Improving...slowly, and was I roofied? Or not? hmm..

I've read a buncha books about panic attacks. These are the things I've tried, and the results I've gotten:

*Gave up caffeine for about 4 months -- not that hard to do. Just get decaf.
*Went into my closet several times and closed the door -- felt silly in there. Knew I was actually safe. Used this to convince my brain that "enclosed means safe." I made this technique up myself, but it made sense to me, to associate "being enclosed" with something safe, instead of something scary.
*"Practiced"-- little-by-little put myself in enclosed spaces, with varying results.
*Did one hypnotherapy session -- identified the "part of me that has panic attacks. Started communicating with this part of me. 
*Drew a picture of the "part of me that has panic attacks" and wrote it a note that I appreciated it.
*Got down to the real reason the first panic attack happened --Realized an old scary thing (that is now gone) was still scaring me. I had to argue w/ myself and change these confused thoughts to what was more accurate (that an enclosed space does not mean death is approaching).
*Holding my breath -- when I start to hyperventilate. Since you have too much oxygen, it's worked for me.

I still have some work to do. Planes and the subway still scare me.

However, I started with riding a bus one stop, and found I could stay on much longer. I almost panicked 3 times, but I could stay on. I kept telling myself "I want to be here."

Then I continued to ride the bus, most days, at least a short distance, to "train" my brain that this was "good" and "safe."

Then I added in an express bus. You have to stay on for longer distances, which used to completely freak me out. But with the "training" behind me, it was comfortable to stay on. Until a parade came out of nowhere, and started marching right in front of our bus (only in NY...) At this point, I quickly bolted off of the bus, as I could see we were going to have to sit there for quite some time.

Then I tried a longer express bus all the way to the Bronx zoo. I stayed on for 30 blocks, but then realized there was no way you could leave for (an unknown) amount of time. Possibly up to an hour. I begged the driver to let me off, who was arguing that I should have known it was express only. It was one of those plush buses that are more like a tour bus, and that shape scares me, because it means "you have to stay for a long time."

I'm still going to try again at some point though. I then continued taking the regular bus, and visited the subway platform. I didn't get on, and I just watched everyone else get on. It looked okay.

I then tried elevators...a 5 floor one day, 7 floor the next. The 7-floor didn't really bother me. For the first time I noticed I could actually look around, look at the walls, etc. Normally I can't see anything because I'm in such a panic. Then I went to my friend's roofdeck, which is on the 40th floor, and I was just fine!!

Today was my first really crowded bus. I normally avoid the crowded times. But I had it on my list, so I went during rush hour. I let a lady sit on the outside seat, so I was somewhat "trapped." Then it filled up with people down the isle. I felt nervous, but never got anywhere close to panic.

Then there was an elevator tonight, and it was acting up. A girl was saying it just wouldn't budge...made me nervous we'd get stuck in there, but it was just fine. On the way down, I again scanned the walls. For the first time, I thought "It would be okay if I was stuck in here for a while." What a wonderful thing! I felt so "normal."

That's how I used to feel, about being trapped in things, and in life. Somehow I started to think the world isn't safe, but I think it really is.

-------------------------------------
Did I get roofied?

I've really gone back and forth on this, and I think I can build a case for seeing it either way.

So I woke up the next day. I'd never felt so hungover before, not even on NYE 3 years ago...I could barely get out of bed. I had to keep stopping in my tracks to "rest" on my way walking across my apartment. Then I threw up. This was like, 1pm in the afternoon.

I couldn't figure out how the alcohol had stayed in my system over night, and I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. I drank a bunch of water, and felt slightly better, but still really out of it.

I dragged myself to a friend's daytime rooftop party. My friend met me on the street. I explained that I was suuuper hung over, and just threw up, and was still pretty dizzy/out of it.

"How much did you drink?" he said. I hadn't thought of the exact number, so I counted.
"About 3 wines and a beer," I said.
"That's it?" he said. "You can usually drink tons more than that!"
I hadn't really though of it, and just figured for some strange reason my tolerance was low. But then I remembered that the 2 of us had many happy hours where I'd drank, I dunno, 5 or so drinks, and then ended the night w/ a scotch on the rocks...and once, he couldn't finish his, so I drank his also, and I was still fine.
"Maybe you got drugged?" he joked.
I joked about it too.

He asked for more details of the night, so I explained I met this date at a wine bar, had 3 wines (arrived after just eating dinner), and he then ordered 3 additional glasses of wine for me that I only had a sip of (he ordered these additional 3 all at the same time...they were lined up on the bar -- which was kinda strange, but he was insisting I try it w/ all of these piles of cheeses and escargot he'd ordered..so it kinda made sense to try the pairings).

I know I went to the bathroom once, and left all the drinks on the bar. Then he said he was late to an improv show, and invited me along.

So we'd hung out for about 3.5 hours, and I'd had a little more than 3 drinks -- the last 3 I'd left on the bar, and only had a sip of...I said I felt bad leaving them there, but he said we were really late, and it was fine.

The strange thing was, when I left I felt quite drunk. I wasn't concerned at all when he said we were super late. And I can't recall at all buying a ticket for myself at the venue. I have no memory of waiting in line, or walking in, or if he bought a ticket? I just remember sitting in the seats, with everyone else already seated, and meeting this blonde girl who was his roommate (who was already seated).

I also normally get pretty anxious in theatres (with my claustrophobia stuff), and never once did I even notice that I was in the middle of the seats -- I normally sit on the end. The show was kind of a blur. He got up and said "want a beer?" and brought it back. I noticed it was a dark bottle, and was aware that I couldn't see the alcohol, and I remember thinking "hmm can't see in there."

Then I know I went to a bar w/ his roommate and him, but by now I was totally wasted (so that would have been 4 drinks over like 5 or 6 hours). I know I was rambling on about who knows what, and I can't remember what the conversation was about, and I also can't remember if I had a drink or not at this bar after the improv show. That's kinda weird because normally I remember if I was drinking something. No clue if I'd stopped drinking, or was continuing. And that's odd for me. His roommate was super nice and seemed trustworthy.

Then I know we went to another bar, but I only have one memory of it. I don't know if it was close or far from the previous bar. And I also can't remember if I was drinking at this bar, or not. I seriously can't recall if there was a drink in front of me. I also have no clue what we were talking about. And I'd forgotten even being at this bar until a couple days later.

I do remember the roommate insisting I come over. Like "you HAVE to come see our apartment!" She'd been so friendly, and it felt like more of a friend-thing, since there were 3 of us, so I accepted. I know I was really completely wasted at this point, yet I can't recall if I'd been drinking or not. I had assumed we'd be sitting around their living room, as there were 2 of them.

But I remember them saying, "NO no no, you are TOO drunk. You have to lie down," and they put me on a bed. I have no idea which of their rooms it was. I also remember throwing up lots in their bathroom and making a huge mess. I don't the know the order of these 2 things. I then remember saying that I was clearly sick and needed to go home. I assumed they'd be fine w/ that, since I made a huge mess.

Instead they weren't concerned about the throw up, and instead insisted I spend the night. 'It's not safe for you to leave." is what they kept saying.

So I was lying on this bed, with this girl sitting on the bed, and the guy was gone. No idea where he was. He'd come back in occasionally and mutter something, and then leave again. She had a small dog, which was standing on me. The strange thing is I didn't think this was awkward. It's all very blurry and dream-like. I have no idea what I was talking about with this girl.

At some point in the night, I remember him telling the girl, "I have a crush on her!" (meaning me), and I thought that was kind of a weird thing to say.

I tried several times to leave, and they both kept yelling that "It's not safe!!" and "Just rest." At one point I went to stand up, and she pushed me back down and said "It's not safe!! You need to stay." I mostly just remember the voices, "It's not safe!" but I don't have them matched to any visuals. Like a floating voice thing.

At that point I felt a bit scared. I stayed laying down for a while, since they were so agitated about me leaving. I remember pretending to play with the dog. I have no idea where this guy was this whole time.

Then, I have no idea how I actually left. I have this image of eying the door. And I have another image of pushing past them, but I don't know if either thing actually happened. Then, I have a memory of going down the stairwell, alone, and being surprised/scared/yet relieved that they didn't come after me.

I somehow found a cab (which I don't remember), but I do remember telling him that these people wouldn't let me leave, and how afraid I was that they were going to keep me there. He said he was glad I got out of there.

When I got home I basically passed out, and I don't remember getting ready for bed. I didn't brush my teeth (and I ALWAYS brush my teeth, even if I'm extremely drunk).

Strangely, these people didn't text to see if I got home okay, and they also didn't go downstairs to make sure I got a cab, which was odd since they were so concerned that I "was safe."

It left me w/ a weird feeling...

So I was at this party, and a lot of people were asking about this story, so I told it to probably 15 people -- they all said it sounded like I got roofied and this was a couple trying to take advantage. I did have a super creepy feeling of being trapped, yet I felt very dream-like and relaxed, and like I was half-awake, half asleep.

Looking back on it, I couldn't tell if I was in a girl or a boy's room. It seemed gender neutral, and next to the bathroom I don't recall seeing a second bedroom...though I could have just missed it. But that might mean it was a couple.

So part of me really think they did slip me something, probably at the wine bar (since I did have a wine glass sitting there when I went to the ladies room) and possibly more in the beer. Especially since I threw up so much both at night, and the next morning.

I also felt super dizzy the whole next day, and yet very relaxed. At a party of people where I only knew 2 people, I wasn't feeling at all shy and was just blabbing on to strangers. I definitely still felt dizzy and out of it, which I normally don't.

Then the guy contacted me at like 4pm asking "How are you feeling?" which made me wonder if he really did put something in my drink.

But there is that chance I did a whole bunch of shots at some point, and just forgot the whole thing. Though it doesn't quite explain why I don't remember doing shots, or drinking anything, after the 3 wines and beer. Normally I'd forget things AFTER drinking something, but still remember drinking the original thing.

I didn't feel quite right for that whole night, and just stayed in, and then even the next day I felt a bit off.

Either way, I'm now aware that you can't trust a girl, or a group situation, on a date. And it was a very good reminder to make sure my drink is watched, and not leave it on the bar, ever!!

Glued some things on my nails

Glued things on my nails. See above.

My mom's been in town. We saw the cirque du soleil, which was nice. We've also done some shopping, and a lot of walking. We ate some good Chinese food, and Mexican food. I've attempted a no-sugar super cleanse diet several times, and failed several times.

I've made some progress on the panic attacks. I did hypnotherapy, and did a lot of exercises on my own of "talking to my subconscious." Then I looked for the root cause of the first one. I found it, and worked through that. Then I noticed the anxiety really lessened. I went back on the bus, and it was the least anxiety I'd ever had on there. (I hadn't taken the bus in a while).

Then I rode the bus for a few days in a row, and I started practicing on elevators. I did a 5 floor, a 7 floor, and then a 40 floor. No problem with any. That's almost a year now that I hadn't been able to do that! Yay. I had avoided going to rooftop bars, etc.

Then yesterday I did an express bus (also hadn't done that in many months). The bus became trapped behind a spontaneous parade -- ya weird right? I was anxious, but luckily he let us get off the bus -- and good thing, because traffic wasn't going to move for a very long time, and we were only 15 minutes from the Seaport, where we were going. We shopped around there and got dinner.

My next step is to practice adjusting to the subway again (it's been almost a year since I've regularly ridden it). I've only been on 2 times in the last 6 months, and both were horrible. It feels like a near-death experience to have a panic attack, and the physical reaction is about the same as feeling like you're about to die. So I wasn't wanting to get back on it. But after finding out the root cause and sort of releasing that pain, and changing the thought to something more true, I realized I now only have the phobia to let go of, and re-train my brain that transportation does not mean near death!

So now I need to go to the subway platform, and then...go for 1 stop. That scares me a TON, but I'm going to try it. I'm really excited about the idea of being able to take transportation again. I haven't been home in a year and 8 months. And planes will be my final hurdle to jump over. Just taking the subway is huge. There are sections of the city right now that are just impossible for me to get to, without spending $35 on a cab, or take a bunch of slow buses and spending hours.

It's been such a horrible year. Probably my saddest yet. I lost the whole life I was planning on, and I was so thrilled to have. All of the plans we'd made for the rest of our lives, gone. No wedding, or travel, or kids, or anything. Then I lost a lot of friends, as I saw that people weren't there for me, who I'd expected would be. I found myself with a very small group. I'd never felt that alone. Then I started looking at my family and issues w/ that, and realized how alone I'd always felt.

This is my at the FDR house grounds, (above).

I realized a lot of changes my life needed, including my career, as I needed to really revamp some things that were no longer working, and it felt like I had absolutely nothing going well, for a long period of time. Just blankness, sadness, and doing without, in what felt like every area. I spent a lot of time sleeping. Sometimes 13 hours a day. It was a gray, empty, miserable time, and for a long time.

I turned to delivery milkshakes and ice cream and binge drinking for a while, until I started getting sick constantly (all kinds of random problems -- not a surprise w/ such a horrible diet, until I realized I'd taken antibiotics 3 times in a couple months), and gained some weight. So then I realized that wasn't the answer -- duh. Then I started reading tons of books, which helped, and just trying to deal w/ all of the feelings.

I realized I had to clean everything up, or I'd end up addicted to sugar (or who knows what)...it scared my my doctor gave me valium...and though I only took it once and it didn't have any effect, it scared me that maybe I'd start taking it during those tough nights. And then what if I got addicted? So I tried to stop taking anything that could be addictive...I stopped caffeine even. I needed to make sure I dealt w/ my feelings. 

I think I must have cried every single day for the past year. My eyes were never so puffy or dark. At least it's so much less now. I'd cried in public numerous times...at bars, restaurants, on the street. I no longer am embarrassed to cry in public at all. 

But the divorce is finally final now. It felt like a relief, as I ripped open the letter in my mailbox, but also so very sad. And there was no one to go have a drink with and cheers to a new future. I just went to the gym that night, and it was mostly empty except for some ancient old man and they were buffing the floors.

Though I haven't met the right person yet (and I've had some horrid and ridiculous dates w/ some people who may in fact be insane, or at least highly offensive, which I know is just a part of the process -- sheesh I am a dating coach after all, so I do know this intellectually at least...), at least I've had some nice experiences.

I don't regret the marriage at all, even though it was so painful. I guess it was something I just had to go through. It was the happiest and saddest time of my life. I understand some of my clients on a deeper level now. I understand fear in a new way. I understand sadness and grief in a new way also. I have more respect for brains, and how they are suppose to function, and more empathy for people whose brains have been thrown off course due to stress or grief, or panic attacks.

Things were the most secure, and most scary, all at once, being married. It was thrilling and devastating. I'd never had a fuller or happier life, until it was over, and I was never left so empty.

I'll always, always wish him the best though. I believed he was my soul mate, and in moments, he hurt me more emotionally than anyone ever has. Still, everyone deserves to be happy, and I will always appreciate the nice things he did for me, always. I'll remember the moments of joy and kindness. I will never forget them. Just as I'll never repeat the same mistakes I made. I'll focus on what was real to me, even if it wasn't to him. I wish him well. I wish him happiness, and I mean that.

He did truly have wonderful qualities and was one of my smartest and most charming people I'd ever met. And a very good dresser, and so many good things, but our relationship was like a beautiful vase with cracks throughout it, until the entire thing shattered and cut me completely. I'm finally nearly healed.

Such a dark year it's been, and it bothered me that it was so sunny this summer. I'm happy for fall to arrive. I'm not one to broadcast when I'm having problems, so I don't think most people realized how dark it was for me. I guess I prefer to post happy instagram photos, no matter what. I don't like to depress or burden others with my bad moods, but I think it was my lowest point this year.

It was easier to not recite the story to others, because I guess I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. But it did happen. I accept that now.

I really appreciate my mom for listening to all the calls, including the late night ones when I was out drinking and yelling at cab drivers. And my aunt was super supportive and helpful as well. I have deep appreciation for that.

And there were some good things. I got to go to Rhode Island w/ some friends, I saw a few operas, and went to Carnegie Hall -- and though classical music isn't my favorite, it was an interesting experience. I also got to experience two convertibles, a porsche and a BMW -- it's funny how when you're afraid of being confined in transportation, open-air cars with your wind blowing in the air seem to magically manifest. And though none of these people were meant to be, it was still fun. I got to go to brunch at a castle upstate, some museums including FDR's house, a play, some nice dinners, and I got to go to Greenwich, Connecticut to this nice restaurant by the water, plus a lot of dancing at clubs and things.

Now things feel blank again. I had even more disappointments. But I know in time new things will grow. I'm hopeful. I know things will be good. And I've realized that no matter what happens, you can survive it, even if for some time you believe that you can't.

I guess it's all in how you look at it, and whether you count the bad things or the good. If nothing else, at least I'm in the city I love most. New York will always be my number one. I'm so grateful for that.

And now to create something new...


 

I saw this brownstone and though it was very pretty:

someday when I'm dirty rich...
someday. :)

I got the letter in the mail that my divorce was final. I still haven't overcome the panic attacks yet, but I'm reading a lot of books about it. I'm going to the Hamptons next weekend, so I need to be able to spend several hours on a bus before then. It's the Jintey, like on Sex and The City. So I really hope I can get on that bus (and stay on it). Kinda worried about it though. I'm usually okay in cars, but buses are different because the door stays shut (I'm claustrophobic now).

I did fine in my friend's car, going to Rhode Island (above), but also knew I could always open my own car door and roll out. We had a fun long girl's weekend and went to the beach. 5 hours of traffic on the way back was a good test for my panic attack skills, but it never got worse than a 3-4 out of ten, which was a relief.

I'm going to try to get back into salsa, and I've been trying to eat better, but it's tough when I either drink too much or eat too many ice cream Sundaes. I have done a 5-day no sugar, no refined carb, no liquor thing so far...but we'll see how long I can do it. I actually really enjoy working out, so that's not a problem. The gym is really great, and it has a DJ at night, which is pretty funny.

Guess I need a fresh new start or something.

shiny nails!

The city in the summertime...

When I was in high school, I had the lead in a play set in New York. Sometimes I wonder if that leaked into my subconscious and made me want to move here. If so, that's just fine with me.

In that play, "You Can't Take it With You," I played Alice, who was a secretary at a Wall St. office, who falls in love with the boss's son. The families don't get along, since hers are poor free spirits who don't pay taxes, and his are uptight wall st. rich people.

Sometimes lines from plays still pop into my mind, wow, 13 years later. Lines like "I think I'll stay. I really like the city in the summertime."

And I do. It's like an entirely different city. I feel like I go on vacation each time the season's change, and I guess I'm not stressed by the energy of the city. So I don't feel the need to leave like everyone else does. When I leave, I can't wait to get back.

This is convenient, as I still fear the subway and other forms of transportation with an intense passion.

I've gotta cure these panic attacks though, or I'll miss out on the hamptons. And I haven't been back to Arizona in a year and a half. :(...

I drove upstate recently in a friend's convertible -- which was GREAT to see things like trees and grass, which I forget exist -- and we tried to take a tour. We had brunch at a castle, and played on a giant chess set.

But on the shuttle bus, I freaked out before the doors closed. All I could think was, "This freakin doors are about to close! And once they close, I can't get off!! I'll be trapped here for who knows how long. What if we have to wait a long time to leave, and we're just sitting here with the doors closed?" So next thing I knew, I was a block away walking quickly away from that dreaded shuttle bus! Who knew something so non-threatening would freak me out?

LUCKILY I'm okay with cars. For some reason it doesn't bother me. I guess I know, in a pinch, I could open the door and roll out. I can play w/ the window and open it or close it. I feel some sense of control here.

Shuttle bus? I can't do nuthin'.

Still it was nice to get out of the city -- to contradict my earlier statement -- for a day at least. It was nice to be in a car too. They're so different from cabs. No one is yelling at you, or when you say 14th and first, they yell back "14 and 1??" as if they are somehow insulted. And when ask to take the highway, they say "What?!! You don't think I know how to drive!! What is your problem??!! I of course was going to take the highway!!"Cabbies are emotional people, and they vent a lot.

-----

I was at the doctor this morning, and there was a pregnant lady who started talking to me. "Are you pregnant too?" She asked. "Oh no!" I laughed. "No, no...I'm single." I said. "Oh, I'm single too!" she excitedly said. "I had invitro, and it worked the first time!" I was shocked. "I can always meet a guy later. They won't care there's a baby."

I was very nice and said congratulations, but all I could think was, "Is this my future?" and "Wow I'd better date more. I'd better date the whole freakin' city." I started having visions of back-to-back-to-back dates. Or perhaps having a group meet me for coffee. A group of like 40 people. So I could determine personality type, sign, attraction, intelligence, values, and my other 50 billion things. And then I could date them all seriously for 6-10 months, in which case we'd get the usual endings. For all but maybe 1 or 2. And then I'd marry one of them.

But is that realistic? No. It's not. Because most guys just won't agree to be one of 40 people who are going to meet for coffee. People want to feel special. If it wasn't for that, I could seriously save a LOT of freaking time, and maybe still have kids without having to spend $100,000 or ship in a child from a foreign country (which really isn't a bad option if it comes to that).

Guess I better start saving up just in case. She did say it's good that the kid is 100% yours in case you ever get divorced you get all of the custody. Not a bad point.

----

My trainer left the gym, so now I have to try harder not to get fat.

---

sooo...

Some recent fun things...

I'm excited for summer. My friends and I are going to split a Hampton's share house for 1 weekend. That should be really fun. We might also go to LA possibly (assuming I can fly by then)...and various other beach days. Should be awesome!

I'm going to start a boxing class at the gym w/ my friend who lives close by. Should be pretty fun.

My trainer could tell my shoulders were way too tight (I think from the panic attacks), so he's been giving me a free massage after each work out, which is great! He uses his elbow...everyone who walks by is scared for me, but it's so helpful. He said that he think I must have a really high pain tolerance haha, which I probably do. He also has given me a bunch of free sessions, which is great.

My cinco de mayo was good, but I drank way too much. Boozy brunch went from 3-8, and then I went and got dinner, w/ more drinks, and then dancing, until 2am or so...I must have gained 3 pounds just from that.

But when I went to the gym the next day, I easily did an hour of cardio and wasn't even tired! It said I burned 500 calories, but I don't know about that.

I am finding that it's so stress relieving to exercising. Why didn't I do this before?? Maybe I'll get back into salsa and soccer as well.

There is nothing so beautiful as...

There is nothing so beautiful as a whole stream of cabs with their gleaming "in service" light on. Late at night in the rain on a weekend.

Stalking tables

I was killing time before brunch. At Barnes and Noble at Union Square stalking a table. I finally found one after standing up for a long time, and my feet were tired. I put the edge of my leg up on the chair at my table.

After 10 minutes or so, an employee rushes over to insist "That's not allowed!"

Am I in second grade? What is this? A posh mansion with exquisitely expensive chairs? No, this is B&N and a disgustingly old and stained chair, and it was only my leg touching it anyway. But apparently I'm mistaken, and this is clearly very important.

I reluctantly remove my leg, and immediately a stream of people rush over to sit in this chair -- that leg had kept them all away. no more.

Of course there are about 50 other open chairs, at 50 other tables w/ 1 person at them, they could have chosen. But no. They had to choose mine.

The first person leaves, and some obnoxious sweaty gym guy rushes over. Insists on talking to me. I don't make eye contact. He then leaves his stupid gym bag and basketball and laptop for me to watch (without even asking), and I was tempted just to leave it there. #isthatmean?Idon'tcare


Irony
And here I am writing a presentation about happiness and fulfillment.

Life loves to throw this irony at me. Like when I gave a "dating tips" talk around a couple weeks before Valentine's day, the same week as filing for divorce. Then again, I guess I really do understand my client's pain, in all areas. 

Someone I dated for a month, over 3 years ago, just emailed me an apology. I guess that's nice. But I just don't really feel like writing back. I mean, it was 3 years ago. He was looking at my web site, so he probably thinks I'm married (still), and wrote all of these regretful things. 

I guess he had some kind of relationship phobia where he feared failure, and after a month, I remember him saying "Am I suppose to be feeling something for you by now?" I remember just being stunned, and before I could think, I was just walking out, and saying "Oh, I, uh..." and those were my last words. So I guess he was "just scared" and chose to blame his failures on pretending he didn't even like me. So no, I don't think I'll accept that apology. And I definitely won't tell him that I'm single again in 7 days.

I just wish I didn't have to walk out of so many bars, and hang up the phone, and say things like "then it's over" and I remember opening that East Village bar door a bit too aggressively and it flying open and the bouncers jumping back, and this guy running after me down the street as I told him to just forge it, or another guy literally running after me in Central Park (long story), and well I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself. Just too many stories for only 30 years. I'm tired of it. I think I'll just stay in and eat seamless web for a long time now.   

If only I could find someone without some kind of personality issue. Though I have really expanded my repertoire of personality disorders from all of my googling over the years. "why does he ___" would usually be explained with "narcissim definition" or "emotional abusive tactics" or "sociopaths explained" and so on.

This obnoxious woman is asking a Starbucks employee to use the restroom. "It's closed for the night" says the employee. She continues to ask -- eleven times -- "can I use it?" Wow, speaking of crazy people.

Hmm, I should stop being so negative. Really, it's getting sunny outside.

Okay time to eat this cookie w/ ice cream inside. The diet will have to wait for now.

I love it so much I want to marry it. And in 7 days, I'll legally be able to.

A mistake

I had been annoyed for several day after receiving an email to partner with someone on an event. I get these kinds of emails often, and they usually don't bother me -- even if it's not a good match.

However, this one bothered me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, the tacky name of the group "The Busty Women's Self Improvement Group." What the heck??? They must just be reaching for attention here. Yes, I understand that women who (possibly?) developed early do have specific issues to address -- but why exclude all other women? And why in the world would they invite me to co-speak? Considering I'm not in the least bit a part of that category!! I was left w a WTF moment.

It annoyed me a bit, and I mentioned it to a friend, who said the group sounded strange anyway! And it did.

It was only a few days later that I re-read it the email, and noticed it had said "Busy women." That's what I get for reading my email in a bumpy cab at night, after a few drinks...or maybe I need new glasses?


But now I can't imagine working with them, since I'd just keep giggling to myself the whole time about what I thought it had said.


In other news...

I can't remember the last time I reacted to anything in NYC. You know how it is. You walk on the bus, and the homeless lady screams in your face "suck some DICK!?" and you just keep your face deadpan and politely walk in to take a seat. No one else reacts either. It's as though she had said "Lovely weather we are having."

Crazy man (in some sort of tribal costume) runs screaming across the crosswalk, as though he is on fire, yet he's not on fire, and some random Ibanker and you exchange a smile and knowing glance of "ahaha isn't NYC funny? Anyway...going to work now."

But in this case, I lost all control of dead-pan-ness. I gasped. I actually gasped, threw my hand over my mouth and uttered some kinds of words, I can't remember what the words were, but it doesn't matter what I said, it mattered that I broke...the #1 rule.

At first, I was embarassed for having broken this #1 rule of NYC -- the "you don't react." rule, as well as the #2 rule, also, "you don't react." But then I realized that this was so shocking, that I had no shame in expressing my OMG I can't believe that!!! real-life in-person emotions -- it looked like this

:-O  ---I wish I could draw hands on the face like that scream painting.

Anyway, this is what I saw...

A tiny blonde baby, less than a foot tall (not sure of age w/ these things), WALKING BAREFOOT down the sidewalk of NYC.

I DON'T WALK BAREFOOT and I'm 30. Ya, glass scares me. But even if glass doesn't scare you, at least don't subject your child's feet to this. Proportionately, a normal shard of glass -- to a baby -- would be like a butcher knife-sized piece of glass. That's just NOT ok.

She looked like a middle America mom. This is not Iowa! And just because you're semi-close to Central Park, does not mean the sidewalks are remotely clean or free of needles and used condoms, glass and loose nails, and vomit.

Seriously, put some shoes on those feet!

I've had my own ballet flat speared by a thin piece of glass. I had to stop and pull out this glass dagger. Luckily, it didn't get my foot, just the very thin soul of these cheap roll-up flats.

So imagine child feet! NOT okay.


My gym has a sauna, which is awesome.
Nuff said.

Small, big trainer.

My trainer has this thing where he feels "small" even though he's very big. So he works out constantly - up to 5 times a day -- and wears big hoodies to "hide how thin he is." His bicept is bigger than my head. Yet, he is terrified of stopping exercising because he might become thin.

I threw out some of my transformational lies-to-truths life coaching crap, which seems to have helped. He now agrees that if he stopped working out, he wouldn't be skinny. But probably fat. This is a huge improvement, lol.

He kept pushing me to lift more and more. I thought he was joking at first. But this strange thing happened, where the more weight he put on, I seemed to magically just be able to lift it. It was like some odd dream.

I had only ever lifted about 10-15 pounds on weight machines. That was plenty for me. 20 on a very ambitious day. I would be pretty tired after that.

3 weeks ago, my arms were shaking with only 10 pounds. I could only do 3 pushups without shaking.

So today he had me doing up to 70 lbs on the weight machines (for arms), and it really didn't bother me -- it was heavy, but not bad.

I did 15 pushups with no problem.

Then I did the leg press. I usually do maybe 30 at the most on the leg press. Once I think I did 40lbs years ago. He had me up to 185 pounds. Strangely, it was completely do-able.

We were BOTH in complete shock for the rest of the session. 

It made me realize there are probably other things I'm assuming are too difficult, that might not be. 

I then got this crazy endorphin high and I've never been so excited to do the dishes.

Trench Coats Make No Sense

Coats make sense to me. Trench coats do not. Basically, on a day that you can wear a trench coat, you don't need a coat.

On a day that you need a coat, a trench coat won't cut it.

So there are about 5 days a year you can actually wear this thing. They look nice and trendy of course...but I've seen people either 1) Freezing when the temp drops to 40, and a trench does nothing, or 2) Sweating, because it's now 65 and why are you wearing that trench coat?

Spring

I love spring. Except that, I prefer cloudy rainy days when I'm not as happy with my life. Because then it all just makes sense. Spring when you're having a bad day, is the worst.

I had a little talk in the East Village, kind of a short life coaching presentation, and it went well. A few people came to make sure I didn't suck at public speaking before confirming me to speak at their event. So it was a little nerve wracking, since the only reason these 3 people attended was to ensure I didn't suck. But luckily they were pleased. So it's good to go.

I'm a little nervous about using their power point laptop, since it won't be my own laptop. But hopefully one of them can change the slides for me or something. Hopefully this will lead to more public speaking and I can be like a younger Tony Robbins kind of thing, or something like that.

I really wish I was already married, with two kids, two bichon frisses, travelling the world, swimming in money, and able to help people get what they want for their lives on a much bigger scale. I'm working towards this stuff, but it's hard sometimes. It sucks to already be 30 and not have what you want yet, and to really be starting over. But I guess that's better than building the wrong thing and having to tear it down later.

Arf arf.

Panic Attacks

Last night one of my friends (who also gets these) started to panic when we were all the way in the back of a crowded Irish bar in the East Village, as far from the door as you can get. I obviously had a ton of empathy for this, and insisted she leave right away, and that we all go. She, unlike me, gets nauseous and dizzy and has to crouch down on the floor to not pass out. That doesn't happen to me, but I instead have to fight the urge to attack the walls around me, which would obviously look odd.

So after we push through the crowd, and she's crouching outside, as we stand in the rain to look for a cab, I realized... the fact that I didn't panic in that situation (crowded place, far from the door), shows me I'm getting calmer.  I still really prefer stairs over elevators though, and I do often find excuses to take a cab instead of the bus. The subway is like some kind of ancient myth to me now, and I'm always surprised to see people actually going into the stations...I know I'll be back on it eventually. But for now, it's been a while.

It's a good thing to know for helping my clients though, since I know how it feels mentally to have everything become so screwed up -- to where you can't feel the ground under your feet, your ideas are floating around like bubbles you can't seem to grab, your task lists seems like a PhD dissertation, and you're numb and dizzy and confused. It's very difficult to make a sound decision at that point, and I understand now how important it is to just help them become aware of where they are at, by asking them what's going on at the moment. Just that awareness that "something is up" or that they are not quite themselves helps them make those decisions they need to make.

Only now am I beginning to feel I'm regaining the logical part of my brain. They say in panic attacks, your brain shifts to the more primitive fear-based part, and that part is activated most of the time, robbing you of your logical abilities -- YES I've felt that for sure! To the point I couldn't separate threat from non-thread or fear from reality, and finally I feel it's coming back to baseline.   

Exercise

I think the working out is helping. I'm really enjoying it, and it's nice to have a trainer. He said I'm already a lot stronger, and I don't get sore as much now.

My trainer, strangely, is also going through a divorce. But he's very positive about it, which is good to see. He has a couple of older kids also. So that has to be pretty tough. I'm glad at least I don't have kids yet. I guess he has some issue where he thinks he's "small" despite being extremely buff, so he actually sees himself as skinny. We've all got something I guess!  I didn't tell him that I'm afraid of trains.

I think the exercise is reducing my anxiety for sure. I feel much more chill now, though I'm not all of the way there.

Speech

I was talking with this lady, preparing for this speech I'm doing, and we were brainstorming...she was telling me about all of these people she knows with strange situations: a woman in a fake marriage with separate bedrooms and no communication, but who really wants to stay in that situation, people who are in stressful and horrible jobs who don't want to go, people in really bad relationships who don't want to leave, etc.

I said it was because of investment. We invest more of ourselves in difficult things, and what is more difficult than a very challenging and BAD relationship or job? That can make it harder to leave, when you've poured so much in and are still waiting for your "reward." That reward probably will never exist. But we wait, like a chain-smoking gambler at a slot machine.

I've seen this happen with my clients. The ones in the most disappointing or up and down relationships are the most committed and we have to work HARD to pry them away. Same with bad jobs. Pry them away. Ordinary or average things are easy to leave.

The same can happen with the dynamics in an unhealthy family. It can be harder to step away from, because you've spent so many years trying to make things better. Or just enduring it, etc.

But eventually, you do have to break away from those things or relationships and blank-slate-it, and use that blank canvas to paint something new. The blank slate portion really does suck though.

On a happier note, here is my spring shellac. 

things.

That's a photo from the flower show they had next to the big Macy's.

the stylist guy who cut my hair had inch-long painted fingernails. Nice guy though. I guess he wears heels also, which he decorates with paint.

And then a horse (with carriage) was crossing the street (he had a red light), but silly me, forgetting it was a horse and not a car, stepped out a bit too close to him. I could actually "feel" his snort of annoyance in this big puff of wet air.

I had a sub-par shellac at a new salon, and it CHIPPED. After only a few days! Never going there again. Improper technique.

I had fun w/ my mom being in town.

And my new favorite band, is named "fun" as well. There were a few songs from the lead singers former band "the format" that I really liked, such as "on your porch." I had actually seen them perform in AZ (and I didn't realize it was the same band until my friend -- you know who you are! -- told me).

But this new mix of random styles is really cool. In "the format" Nate had more of a Justin Bieber little boy vibe to him (in my opinion), but now he has morphed into more of a James Dean in skinny jeans, which is pretty cool.

The popular song is "we are young." I like the video, because it looks like a typical NYC bar, except with more angst and things being smashed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts&feature=fvwp

But I really like some others also:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9O1Vh61o-8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBY9MErmrAc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs5-FJ3X2CQ&feature=related

I got a personal trainer at the gym w/ this discount thing. I gained 6 pounds in a couple of weeks. I hope it's muscle, and not from all of those milkshakes and pieces of pie I was eating...he was teaching me boxing. I looked absolutely ridiculous, except for these 30 seconds, which I wish he would have filmed. The rest looked so odd, that as the gym became crowded later in the evening, I could have sworn people were smirking at my lack of technique. It was fun to wear the gloves though!

I did do well on the little bag thing that you hit. He said better than almost all of the people he'd taught. I also did become like twice as strong in a week, which he seemed really surprised by, but I told him I hadn't exercised in like 6 months.

Luckily, I managed to take the bus today and stay on it for about 45 minutes! I had been fearing it lately, and it'd been a few weeks since I'd been on. I have hope for being back on the subway now.

The bad therapist...and the longest shellac.

My nails are gigantic. See above. People think they are fake. No! They are shellac. 2 Months of shellac discount vouchers.

Not feeling "heard"...

So, after going to the doctor -- who gave me an emergency Valium prescription (just in case I'm stuck in an elevator or train or something and I start clawing at the walls like a dog in a crate) -- "You have been diagnosed, no?" And I said "yes" and told him the odd story of the therapist.

He told me I should blog about this therapist -- hard of hearing and obsessed with sex. He was MUCH more interested in my personal life than he was in my medical health, which was fine.

I walked to his office shaky, still overly anxious, still afraid of even being confined in a small room. I told them I had an 8:30 appointment, "oops, I mean 12:30," I said.

So I was relieved by his Oprah-like presence, as he assured me I'd be remarried in no time. "It's good you didn't have kids," he said. Half of his daughters friends were divorced with kids. Half the people on the subway are having panic attacks just like you, he said.

He flipped through my medical file, "Ah yes. This is when you two were dating...and here must have been when you got married, and..."

I'm apparently now 5'6" and a half. I thought I was 5.6" on the dot. So at least I grew a half inch. And I lost some weight.

"You really should gain 1 pound," he said. I ignored this mysterious magical half inch, and took it as the truth. Music to my ears. I've never heard that one before!!

I took that advice to heart, and today I had oatmeal, chicken fingers, fries, a cheeseburger, sushi, a salad, a piece of carrot cake, some chips, and several cookies...mission accomplished? Yes.

But I walked out of there with hope though. Which may be all the medicine I needed.

So, the story of the therapist...

I walked 30 blocks uptown to this old man therapist. Older was fine...more life experience. The first problem, he was hard of hearing.

"Please speak deeper and slower," he said. "Your voice is too high pitched and you are speaking too quickly."

I leaned forward, trying to yell towards him.

"Don't slouch. You are crushing your diaphram, making it harder to hear you."

"Perhaps you should scoot forward more?" I said, but he didn't want to invade that "theraputic space distance" or whatever.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to say your problems in a deep, low, loud voice?

"I AM AFRAID. OF THE SUBWAY."

"The what?"

"THE...SUBWAY!!! PERHAPS...IT IS DUE TO..." ETC.

The next issue...he brought the conversation back to sex at every turn.

He asked me to think about if I'd ever been stuck or trapped in anything.

I told him that I was once at a foam party in college...

"A foam party?" he said "Were people having sex there?"

"No."

"Were people, making out?"

"No. It was just a night club with foam."

After a 10 minute detailed account of the foam -- he needed to know the exact texture...sudsy? Foamy? Like the stuff the explodes from a washing machine?

I don't think we ever got to the part about how we were stuck in the basement waiting to use one soaked rag to wipe off our foamy feet before we were allowed out.

After him asking me additional questions such as how attractive I'd rate myself, and whether I am anorexic (well, I'll take that as a compliment, except that I know my BMI is just fine due to this dr. apmt), and asking sex questions at every turn...

I decided to terminate this relationship after only 2 sessions. He insisted I leave him voice mail, since he doesn't understand email.

Of course, being hard of hearing, I wanted to ensure he got the correct message -- so as to avoid a very awkward phone call.

My voice mail was LOUD, CLEAR and SLOW.

"I WANT NO MORE SESSIONS. I AM CANCELLING MY SESSIONS. NO MORE SESSIONS PLEASE!! I WILL NOT BE THERE NEXT WEEK!! This means I am cancelling. "

I thought I'd repeat it, just in case he missed it one of the times I said it. I guess it probably made me sound very emphatic.

Despite this, he still left me a voice mail, "Why? I thought things were going so well."

I literally "did not feel heard" in this instance.

Random funny things...

• Someone called me "homely." And though it technically does mean BOTH "homey" and "unattractive" -- when in doubt, don't call someone a word with 2 definitions, one of which means "unattractive."
• When trying to shoo away a persistent/creepy guy at a bar who was too touchy/feely w/ my friend, I launched into a monologue about her deep love of her drug addict ex. "It's just an adrenalin rush" she said. "You just never know what he's going to do." I agreed. "Nothing compares. You can't go back to someone normal after that exciting and wonderful experience." He creeped away due to our "lack of moral character."

shellac. it's back.

Not that it ever left.

I'm addicted to it. It's making my nails really thin. I'm afraid what's under there. But it's shiny!!!

These are my real nails. Plus 6 coats of polish and a UV light that hardens it.

I went running after dark in Central Park, which was probably a bad idea, but there were a few others on the trails, and wow the buildings look gorgeous at night. It felt so good to run. But I'm just hoping my leg stops swelling...I really don't want to go back to PT w/ all of the old people!!