A mistake

I had been annoyed for several day after receiving an email to partner with someone on an event. I get these kinds of emails often, and they usually don't bother me -- even if it's not a good match.

However, this one bothered me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, the tacky name of the group "The Busty Women's Self Improvement Group." What the heck??? They must just be reaching for attention here. Yes, I understand that women who (possibly?) developed early do have specific issues to address -- but why exclude all other women? And why in the world would they invite me to co-speak? Considering I'm not in the least bit a part of that category!! I was left w a WTF moment.

It annoyed me a bit, and I mentioned it to a friend, who said the group sounded strange anyway! And it did.

It was only a few days later that I re-read it the email, and noticed it had said "Busy women." That's what I get for reading my email in a bumpy cab at night, after a few drinks...or maybe I need new glasses?


But now I can't imagine working with them, since I'd just keep giggling to myself the whole time about what I thought it had said.


In other news...

I can't remember the last time I reacted to anything in NYC. You know how it is. You walk on the bus, and the homeless lady screams in your face "suck some DICK!?" and you just keep your face deadpan and politely walk in to take a seat. No one else reacts either. It's as though she had said "Lovely weather we are having."

Crazy man (in some sort of tribal costume) runs screaming across the crosswalk, as though he is on fire, yet he's not on fire, and some random Ibanker and you exchange a smile and knowing glance of "ahaha isn't NYC funny? Anyway...going to work now."

But in this case, I lost all control of dead-pan-ness. I gasped. I actually gasped, threw my hand over my mouth and uttered some kinds of words, I can't remember what the words were, but it doesn't matter what I said, it mattered that I broke...the #1 rule.

At first, I was embarassed for having broken this #1 rule of NYC -- the "you don't react." rule, as well as the #2 rule, also, "you don't react." But then I realized that this was so shocking, that I had no shame in expressing my OMG I can't believe that!!! real-life in-person emotions -- it looked like this

:-O  ---I wish I could draw hands on the face like that scream painting.

Anyway, this is what I saw...

A tiny blonde baby, less than a foot tall (not sure of age w/ these things), WALKING BAREFOOT down the sidewalk of NYC.

I DON'T WALK BAREFOOT and I'm 30. Ya, glass scares me. But even if glass doesn't scare you, at least don't subject your child's feet to this. Proportionately, a normal shard of glass -- to a baby -- would be like a butcher knife-sized piece of glass. That's just NOT ok.

She looked like a middle America mom. This is not Iowa! And just because you're semi-close to Central Park, does not mean the sidewalks are remotely clean or free of needles and used condoms, glass and loose nails, and vomit.

Seriously, put some shoes on those feet!

I've had my own ballet flat speared by a thin piece of glass. I had to stop and pull out this glass dagger. Luckily, it didn't get my foot, just the very thin soul of these cheap roll-up flats.

So imagine child feet! NOT okay.


My gym has a sauna, which is awesome.
Nuff said.

Small, big trainer.

My trainer has this thing where he feels "small" even though he's very big. So he works out constantly - up to 5 times a day -- and wears big hoodies to "hide how thin he is." His bicept is bigger than my head. Yet, he is terrified of stopping exercising because he might become thin.

I threw out some of my transformational lies-to-truths life coaching crap, which seems to have helped. He now agrees that if he stopped working out, he wouldn't be skinny. But probably fat. This is a huge improvement, lol.

He kept pushing me to lift more and more. I thought he was joking at first. But this strange thing happened, where the more weight he put on, I seemed to magically just be able to lift it. It was like some odd dream.

I had only ever lifted about 10-15 pounds on weight machines. That was plenty for me. 20 on a very ambitious day. I would be pretty tired after that.

3 weeks ago, my arms were shaking with only 10 pounds. I could only do 3 pushups without shaking.

So today he had me doing up to 70 lbs on the weight machines (for arms), and it really didn't bother me -- it was heavy, but not bad.

I did 15 pushups with no problem.

Then I did the leg press. I usually do maybe 30 at the most on the leg press. Once I think I did 40lbs years ago. He had me up to 185 pounds. Strangely, it was completely do-able.

We were BOTH in complete shock for the rest of the session. 

It made me realize there are probably other things I'm assuming are too difficult, that might not be. 

I then got this crazy endorphin high and I've never been so excited to do the dishes.

Trench Coats Make No Sense

Coats make sense to me. Trench coats do not. Basically, on a day that you can wear a trench coat, you don't need a coat.

On a day that you need a coat, a trench coat won't cut it.

So there are about 5 days a year you can actually wear this thing. They look nice and trendy of course...but I've seen people either 1) Freezing when the temp drops to 40, and a trench does nothing, or 2) Sweating, because it's now 65 and why are you wearing that trench coat?

Spring

I love spring. Except that, I prefer cloudy rainy days when I'm not as happy with my life. Because then it all just makes sense. Spring when you're having a bad day, is the worst.

I had a little talk in the East Village, kind of a short life coaching presentation, and it went well. A few people came to make sure I didn't suck at public speaking before confirming me to speak at their event. So it was a little nerve wracking, since the only reason these 3 people attended was to ensure I didn't suck. But luckily they were pleased. So it's good to go.

I'm a little nervous about using their power point laptop, since it won't be my own laptop. But hopefully one of them can change the slides for me or something. Hopefully this will lead to more public speaking and I can be like a younger Tony Robbins kind of thing, or something like that.

I really wish I was already married, with two kids, two bichon frisses, travelling the world, swimming in money, and able to help people get what they want for their lives on a much bigger scale. I'm working towards this stuff, but it's hard sometimes. It sucks to already be 30 and not have what you want yet, and to really be starting over. But I guess that's better than building the wrong thing and having to tear it down later.

Arf arf.

Panic Attacks

Last night one of my friends (who also gets these) started to panic when we were all the way in the back of a crowded Irish bar in the East Village, as far from the door as you can get. I obviously had a ton of empathy for this, and insisted she leave right away, and that we all go. She, unlike me, gets nauseous and dizzy and has to crouch down on the floor to not pass out. That doesn't happen to me, but I instead have to fight the urge to attack the walls around me, which would obviously look odd.

So after we push through the crowd, and she's crouching outside, as we stand in the rain to look for a cab, I realized... the fact that I didn't panic in that situation (crowded place, far from the door), shows me I'm getting calmer.  I still really prefer stairs over elevators though, and I do often find excuses to take a cab instead of the bus. The subway is like some kind of ancient myth to me now, and I'm always surprised to see people actually going into the stations...I know I'll be back on it eventually. But for now, it's been a while.

It's a good thing to know for helping my clients though, since I know how it feels mentally to have everything become so screwed up -- to where you can't feel the ground under your feet, your ideas are floating around like bubbles you can't seem to grab, your task lists seems like a PhD dissertation, and you're numb and dizzy and confused. It's very difficult to make a sound decision at that point, and I understand now how important it is to just help them become aware of where they are at, by asking them what's going on at the moment. Just that awareness that "something is up" or that they are not quite themselves helps them make those decisions they need to make.

Only now am I beginning to feel I'm regaining the logical part of my brain. They say in panic attacks, your brain shifts to the more primitive fear-based part, and that part is activated most of the time, robbing you of your logical abilities -- YES I've felt that for sure! To the point I couldn't separate threat from non-thread or fear from reality, and finally I feel it's coming back to baseline.   

Exercise

I think the working out is helping. I'm really enjoying it, and it's nice to have a trainer. He said I'm already a lot stronger, and I don't get sore as much now.

My trainer, strangely, is also going through a divorce. But he's very positive about it, which is good to see. He has a couple of older kids also. So that has to be pretty tough. I'm glad at least I don't have kids yet. I guess he has some issue where he thinks he's "small" despite being extremely buff, so he actually sees himself as skinny. We've all got something I guess!  I didn't tell him that I'm afraid of trains.

I think the exercise is reducing my anxiety for sure. I feel much more chill now, though I'm not all of the way there.

Speech

I was talking with this lady, preparing for this speech I'm doing, and we were brainstorming...she was telling me about all of these people she knows with strange situations: a woman in a fake marriage with separate bedrooms and no communication, but who really wants to stay in that situation, people who are in stressful and horrible jobs who don't want to go, people in really bad relationships who don't want to leave, etc.

I said it was because of investment. We invest more of ourselves in difficult things, and what is more difficult than a very challenging and BAD relationship or job? That can make it harder to leave, when you've poured so much in and are still waiting for your "reward." That reward probably will never exist. But we wait, like a chain-smoking gambler at a slot machine.

I've seen this happen with my clients. The ones in the most disappointing or up and down relationships are the most committed and we have to work HARD to pry them away. Same with bad jobs. Pry them away. Ordinary or average things are easy to leave.

The same can happen with the dynamics in an unhealthy family. It can be harder to step away from, because you've spent so many years trying to make things better. Or just enduring it, etc.

But eventually, you do have to break away from those things or relationships and blank-slate-it, and use that blank canvas to paint something new. The blank slate portion really does suck though.

On a happier note, here is my spring shellac. 

things.

That's a photo from the flower show they had next to the big Macy's.

the stylist guy who cut my hair had inch-long painted fingernails. Nice guy though. I guess he wears heels also, which he decorates with paint.

And then a horse (with carriage) was crossing the street (he had a red light), but silly me, forgetting it was a horse and not a car, stepped out a bit too close to him. I could actually "feel" his snort of annoyance in this big puff of wet air.

I had a sub-par shellac at a new salon, and it CHIPPED. After only a few days! Never going there again. Improper technique.

I had fun w/ my mom being in town.

And my new favorite band, is named "fun" as well. There were a few songs from the lead singers former band "the format" that I really liked, such as "on your porch." I had actually seen them perform in AZ (and I didn't realize it was the same band until my friend -- you know who you are! -- told me).

But this new mix of random styles is really cool. In "the format" Nate had more of a Justin Bieber little boy vibe to him (in my opinion), but now he has morphed into more of a James Dean in skinny jeans, which is pretty cool.

The popular song is "we are young." I like the video, because it looks like a typical NYC bar, except with more angst and things being smashed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts&feature=fvwp

But I really like some others also:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9O1Vh61o-8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBY9MErmrAc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs5-FJ3X2CQ&feature=related

I got a personal trainer at the gym w/ this discount thing. I gained 6 pounds in a couple of weeks. I hope it's muscle, and not from all of those milkshakes and pieces of pie I was eating...he was teaching me boxing. I looked absolutely ridiculous, except for these 30 seconds, which I wish he would have filmed. The rest looked so odd, that as the gym became crowded later in the evening, I could have sworn people were smirking at my lack of technique. It was fun to wear the gloves though!

I did do well on the little bag thing that you hit. He said better than almost all of the people he'd taught. I also did become like twice as strong in a week, which he seemed really surprised by, but I told him I hadn't exercised in like 6 months.

Luckily, I managed to take the bus today and stay on it for about 45 minutes! I had been fearing it lately, and it'd been a few weeks since I'd been on. I have hope for being back on the subway now.