Panic Attacks are Improving...slowly, and was I roofied? Or not? hmm..

I've read a buncha books about panic attacks. These are the things I've tried, and the results I've gotten:

*Gave up caffeine for about 4 months -- not that hard to do. Just get decaf.
*Went into my closet several times and closed the door -- felt silly in there. Knew I was actually safe. Used this to convince my brain that "enclosed means safe." I made this technique up myself, but it made sense to me, to associate "being enclosed" with something safe, instead of something scary.
*"Practiced"-- little-by-little put myself in enclosed spaces, with varying results.
*Did one hypnotherapy session -- identified the "part of me that has panic attacks. Started communicating with this part of me. 
*Drew a picture of the "part of me that has panic attacks" and wrote it a note that I appreciated it.
*Got down to the real reason the first panic attack happened --Realized an old scary thing (that is now gone) was still scaring me. I had to argue w/ myself and change these confused thoughts to what was more accurate (that an enclosed space does not mean death is approaching).
*Holding my breath -- when I start to hyperventilate. Since you have too much oxygen, it's worked for me.

I still have some work to do. Planes and the subway still scare me.

However, I started with riding a bus one stop, and found I could stay on much longer. I almost panicked 3 times, but I could stay on. I kept telling myself "I want to be here."

Then I continued to ride the bus, most days, at least a short distance, to "train" my brain that this was "good" and "safe."

Then I added in an express bus. You have to stay on for longer distances, which used to completely freak me out. But with the "training" behind me, it was comfortable to stay on. Until a parade came out of nowhere, and started marching right in front of our bus (only in NY...) At this point, I quickly bolted off of the bus, as I could see we were going to have to sit there for quite some time.

Then I tried a longer express bus all the way to the Bronx zoo. I stayed on for 30 blocks, but then realized there was no way you could leave for (an unknown) amount of time. Possibly up to an hour. I begged the driver to let me off, who was arguing that I should have known it was express only. It was one of those plush buses that are more like a tour bus, and that shape scares me, because it means "you have to stay for a long time."

I'm still going to try again at some point though. I then continued taking the regular bus, and visited the subway platform. I didn't get on, and I just watched everyone else get on. It looked okay.

I then tried elevators...a 5 floor one day, 7 floor the next. The 7-floor didn't really bother me. For the first time I noticed I could actually look around, look at the walls, etc. Normally I can't see anything because I'm in such a panic. Then I went to my friend's roofdeck, which is on the 40th floor, and I was just fine!!

Today was my first really crowded bus. I normally avoid the crowded times. But I had it on my list, so I went during rush hour. I let a lady sit on the outside seat, so I was somewhat "trapped." Then it filled up with people down the isle. I felt nervous, but never got anywhere close to panic.

Then there was an elevator tonight, and it was acting up. A girl was saying it just wouldn't budge...made me nervous we'd get stuck in there, but it was just fine. On the way down, I again scanned the walls. For the first time, I thought "It would be okay if I was stuck in here for a while." What a wonderful thing! I felt so "normal."

That's how I used to feel, about being trapped in things, and in life. Somehow I started to think the world isn't safe, but I think it really is.

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Did I get roofied?

I've really gone back and forth on this, and I think I can build a case for seeing it either way.

So I woke up the next day. I'd never felt so hungover before, not even on NYE 3 years ago...I could barely get out of bed. I had to keep stopping in my tracks to "rest" on my way walking across my apartment. Then I threw up. This was like, 1pm in the afternoon.

I couldn't figure out how the alcohol had stayed in my system over night, and I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. I drank a bunch of water, and felt slightly better, but still really out of it.

I dragged myself to a friend's daytime rooftop party. My friend met me on the street. I explained that I was suuuper hung over, and just threw up, and was still pretty dizzy/out of it.

"How much did you drink?" he said. I hadn't thought of the exact number, so I counted.
"About 3 wines and a beer," I said.
"That's it?" he said. "You can usually drink tons more than that!"
I hadn't really though of it, and just figured for some strange reason my tolerance was low. But then I remembered that the 2 of us had many happy hours where I'd drank, I dunno, 5 or so drinks, and then ended the night w/ a scotch on the rocks...and once, he couldn't finish his, so I drank his also, and I was still fine.
"Maybe you got drugged?" he joked.
I joked about it too.

He asked for more details of the night, so I explained I met this date at a wine bar, had 3 wines (arrived after just eating dinner), and he then ordered 3 additional glasses of wine for me that I only had a sip of (he ordered these additional 3 all at the same time...they were lined up on the bar -- which was kinda strange, but he was insisting I try it w/ all of these piles of cheeses and escargot he'd ordered..so it kinda made sense to try the pairings).

I know I went to the bathroom once, and left all the drinks on the bar. Then he said he was late to an improv show, and invited me along.

So we'd hung out for about 3.5 hours, and I'd had a little more than 3 drinks -- the last 3 I'd left on the bar, and only had a sip of...I said I felt bad leaving them there, but he said we were really late, and it was fine.

The strange thing was, when I left I felt quite drunk. I wasn't concerned at all when he said we were super late. And I can't recall at all buying a ticket for myself at the venue. I have no memory of waiting in line, or walking in, or if he bought a ticket? I just remember sitting in the seats, with everyone else already seated, and meeting this blonde girl who was his roommate (who was already seated).

I also normally get pretty anxious in theatres (with my claustrophobia stuff), and never once did I even notice that I was in the middle of the seats -- I normally sit on the end. The show was kind of a blur. He got up and said "want a beer?" and brought it back. I noticed it was a dark bottle, and was aware that I couldn't see the alcohol, and I remember thinking "hmm can't see in there."

Then I know I went to a bar w/ his roommate and him, but by now I was totally wasted (so that would have been 4 drinks over like 5 or 6 hours). I know I was rambling on about who knows what, and I can't remember what the conversation was about, and I also can't remember if I had a drink or not at this bar after the improv show. That's kinda weird because normally I remember if I was drinking something. No clue if I'd stopped drinking, or was continuing. And that's odd for me. His roommate was super nice and seemed trustworthy.

Then I know we went to another bar, but I only have one memory of it. I don't know if it was close or far from the previous bar. And I also can't remember if I was drinking at this bar, or not. I seriously can't recall if there was a drink in front of me. I also have no clue what we were talking about. And I'd forgotten even being at this bar until a couple days later.

I do remember the roommate insisting I come over. Like "you HAVE to come see our apartment!" She'd been so friendly, and it felt like more of a friend-thing, since there were 3 of us, so I accepted. I know I was really completely wasted at this point, yet I can't recall if I'd been drinking or not. I had assumed we'd be sitting around their living room, as there were 2 of them.

But I remember them saying, "NO no no, you are TOO drunk. You have to lie down," and they put me on a bed. I have no idea which of their rooms it was. I also remember throwing up lots in their bathroom and making a huge mess. I don't the know the order of these 2 things. I then remember saying that I was clearly sick and needed to go home. I assumed they'd be fine w/ that, since I made a huge mess.

Instead they weren't concerned about the throw up, and instead insisted I spend the night. 'It's not safe for you to leave." is what they kept saying.

So I was lying on this bed, with this girl sitting on the bed, and the guy was gone. No idea where he was. He'd come back in occasionally and mutter something, and then leave again. She had a small dog, which was standing on me. The strange thing is I didn't think this was awkward. It's all very blurry and dream-like. I have no idea what I was talking about with this girl.

At some point in the night, I remember him telling the girl, "I have a crush on her!" (meaning me), and I thought that was kind of a weird thing to say.

I tried several times to leave, and they both kept yelling that "It's not safe!!" and "Just rest." At one point I went to stand up, and she pushed me back down and said "It's not safe!! You need to stay." I mostly just remember the voices, "It's not safe!" but I don't have them matched to any visuals. Like a floating voice thing.

At that point I felt a bit scared. I stayed laying down for a while, since they were so agitated about me leaving. I remember pretending to play with the dog. I have no idea where this guy was this whole time.

Then, I have no idea how I actually left. I have this image of eying the door. And I have another image of pushing past them, but I don't know if either thing actually happened. Then, I have a memory of going down the stairwell, alone, and being surprised/scared/yet relieved that they didn't come after me.

I somehow found a cab (which I don't remember), but I do remember telling him that these people wouldn't let me leave, and how afraid I was that they were going to keep me there. He said he was glad I got out of there.

When I got home I basically passed out, and I don't remember getting ready for bed. I didn't brush my teeth (and I ALWAYS brush my teeth, even if I'm extremely drunk).

Strangely, these people didn't text to see if I got home okay, and they also didn't go downstairs to make sure I got a cab, which was odd since they were so concerned that I "was safe."

It left me w/ a weird feeling...

So I was at this party, and a lot of people were asking about this story, so I told it to probably 15 people -- they all said it sounded like I got roofied and this was a couple trying to take advantage. I did have a super creepy feeling of being trapped, yet I felt very dream-like and relaxed, and like I was half-awake, half asleep.

Looking back on it, I couldn't tell if I was in a girl or a boy's room. It seemed gender neutral, and next to the bathroom I don't recall seeing a second bedroom...though I could have just missed it. But that might mean it was a couple.

So part of me really think they did slip me something, probably at the wine bar (since I did have a wine glass sitting there when I went to the ladies room) and possibly more in the beer. Especially since I threw up so much both at night, and the next morning.

I also felt super dizzy the whole next day, and yet very relaxed. At a party of people where I only knew 2 people, I wasn't feeling at all shy and was just blabbing on to strangers. I definitely still felt dizzy and out of it, which I normally don't.

Then the guy contacted me at like 4pm asking "How are you feeling?" which made me wonder if he really did put something in my drink.

But there is that chance I did a whole bunch of shots at some point, and just forgot the whole thing. Though it doesn't quite explain why I don't remember doing shots, or drinking anything, after the 3 wines and beer. Normally I'd forget things AFTER drinking something, but still remember drinking the original thing.

I didn't feel quite right for that whole night, and just stayed in, and then even the next day I felt a bit off.

Either way, I'm now aware that you can't trust a girl, or a group situation, on a date. And it was a very good reminder to make sure my drink is watched, and not leave it on the bar, ever!!

Glued some things on my nails

Glued things on my nails. See above.

My mom's been in town. We saw the cirque du soleil, which was nice. We've also done some shopping, and a lot of walking. We ate some good Chinese food, and Mexican food. I've attempted a no-sugar super cleanse diet several times, and failed several times.

I've made some progress on the panic attacks. I did hypnotherapy, and did a lot of exercises on my own of "talking to my subconscious." Then I looked for the root cause of the first one. I found it, and worked through that. Then I noticed the anxiety really lessened. I went back on the bus, and it was the least anxiety I'd ever had on there. (I hadn't taken the bus in a while).

Then I rode the bus for a few days in a row, and I started practicing on elevators. I did a 5 floor, a 7 floor, and then a 40 floor. No problem with any. That's almost a year now that I hadn't been able to do that! Yay. I had avoided going to rooftop bars, etc.

Then yesterday I did an express bus (also hadn't done that in many months). The bus became trapped behind a spontaneous parade -- ya weird right? I was anxious, but luckily he let us get off the bus -- and good thing, because traffic wasn't going to move for a very long time, and we were only 15 minutes from the Seaport, where we were going. We shopped around there and got dinner.

My next step is to practice adjusting to the subway again (it's been almost a year since I've regularly ridden it). I've only been on 2 times in the last 6 months, and both were horrible. It feels like a near-death experience to have a panic attack, and the physical reaction is about the same as feeling like you're about to die. So I wasn't wanting to get back on it. But after finding out the root cause and sort of releasing that pain, and changing the thought to something more true, I realized I now only have the phobia to let go of, and re-train my brain that transportation does not mean near death!

So now I need to go to the subway platform, and then...go for 1 stop. That scares me a TON, but I'm going to try it. I'm really excited about the idea of being able to take transportation again. I haven't been home in a year and 8 months. And planes will be my final hurdle to jump over. Just taking the subway is huge. There are sections of the city right now that are just impossible for me to get to, without spending $35 on a cab, or take a bunch of slow buses and spending hours.

It's been such a horrible year. Probably my saddest yet. I lost the whole life I was planning on, and I was so thrilled to have. All of the plans we'd made for the rest of our lives, gone. No wedding, or travel, or kids, or anything. Then I lost a lot of friends, as I saw that people weren't there for me, who I'd expected would be. I found myself with a very small group. I'd never felt that alone. Then I started looking at my family and issues w/ that, and realized how alone I'd always felt.

This is my at the FDR house grounds, (above).

I realized a lot of changes my life needed, including my career, as I needed to really revamp some things that were no longer working, and it felt like I had absolutely nothing going well, for a long period of time. Just blankness, sadness, and doing without, in what felt like every area. I spent a lot of time sleeping. Sometimes 13 hours a day. It was a gray, empty, miserable time, and for a long time.

I turned to delivery milkshakes and ice cream and binge drinking for a while, until I started getting sick constantly (all kinds of random problems -- not a surprise w/ such a horrible diet, until I realized I'd taken antibiotics 3 times in a couple months), and gained some weight. So then I realized that wasn't the answer -- duh. Then I started reading tons of books, which helped, and just trying to deal w/ all of the feelings.

I realized I had to clean everything up, or I'd end up addicted to sugar (or who knows what)...it scared my my doctor gave me valium...and though I only took it once and it didn't have any effect, it scared me that maybe I'd start taking it during those tough nights. And then what if I got addicted? So I tried to stop taking anything that could be addictive...I stopped caffeine even. I needed to make sure I dealt w/ my feelings. 

I think I must have cried every single day for the past year. My eyes were never so puffy or dark. At least it's so much less now. I'd cried in public numerous times...at bars, restaurants, on the street. I no longer am embarrassed to cry in public at all. 

But the divorce is finally final now. It felt like a relief, as I ripped open the letter in my mailbox, but also so very sad. And there was no one to go have a drink with and cheers to a new future. I just went to the gym that night, and it was mostly empty except for some ancient old man and they were buffing the floors.

Though I haven't met the right person yet (and I've had some horrid and ridiculous dates w/ some people who may in fact be insane, or at least highly offensive, which I know is just a part of the process -- sheesh I am a dating coach after all, so I do know this intellectually at least...), at least I've had some nice experiences.

I don't regret the marriage at all, even though it was so painful. I guess it was something I just had to go through. It was the happiest and saddest time of my life. I understand some of my clients on a deeper level now. I understand fear in a new way. I understand sadness and grief in a new way also. I have more respect for brains, and how they are suppose to function, and more empathy for people whose brains have been thrown off course due to stress or grief, or panic attacks.

Things were the most secure, and most scary, all at once, being married. It was thrilling and devastating. I'd never had a fuller or happier life, until it was over, and I was never left so empty.

I'll always, always wish him the best though. I believed he was my soul mate, and in moments, he hurt me more emotionally than anyone ever has. Still, everyone deserves to be happy, and I will always appreciate the nice things he did for me, always. I'll remember the moments of joy and kindness. I will never forget them. Just as I'll never repeat the same mistakes I made. I'll focus on what was real to me, even if it wasn't to him. I wish him well. I wish him happiness, and I mean that.

He did truly have wonderful qualities and was one of my smartest and most charming people I'd ever met. And a very good dresser, and so many good things, but our relationship was like a beautiful vase with cracks throughout it, until the entire thing shattered and cut me completely. I'm finally nearly healed.

Such a dark year it's been, and it bothered me that it was so sunny this summer. I'm happy for fall to arrive. I'm not one to broadcast when I'm having problems, so I don't think most people realized how dark it was for me. I guess I prefer to post happy instagram photos, no matter what. I don't like to depress or burden others with my bad moods, but I think it was my lowest point this year.

It was easier to not recite the story to others, because I guess I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. But it did happen. I accept that now.

I really appreciate my mom for listening to all the calls, including the late night ones when I was out drinking and yelling at cab drivers. And my aunt was super supportive and helpful as well. I have deep appreciation for that.

And there were some good things. I got to go to Rhode Island w/ some friends, I saw a few operas, and went to Carnegie Hall -- and though classical music isn't my favorite, it was an interesting experience. I also got to experience two convertibles, a porsche and a BMW -- it's funny how when you're afraid of being confined in transportation, open-air cars with your wind blowing in the air seem to magically manifest. And though none of these people were meant to be, it was still fun. I got to go to brunch at a castle upstate, some museums including FDR's house, a play, some nice dinners, and I got to go to Greenwich, Connecticut to this nice restaurant by the water, plus a lot of dancing at clubs and things.

Now things feel blank again. I had even more disappointments. But I know in time new things will grow. I'm hopeful. I know things will be good. And I've realized that no matter what happens, you can survive it, even if for some time you believe that you can't.

I guess it's all in how you look at it, and whether you count the bad things or the good. If nothing else, at least I'm in the city I love most. New York will always be my number one. I'm so grateful for that.

And now to create something new...