Trench Coats Make No Sense

Coats make sense to me. Trench coats do not. Basically, on a day that you can wear a trench coat, you don't need a coat.

On a day that you need a coat, a trench coat won't cut it.

So there are about 5 days a year you can actually wear this thing. They look nice and trendy of course...but I've seen people either 1) Freezing when the temp drops to 40, and a trench does nothing, or 2) Sweating, because it's now 65 and why are you wearing that trench coat?

Spring

I love spring. Except that, I prefer cloudy rainy days when I'm not as happy with my life. Because then it all just makes sense. Spring when you're having a bad day, is the worst.

I had a little talk in the East Village, kind of a short life coaching presentation, and it went well. A few people came to make sure I didn't suck at public speaking before confirming me to speak at their event. So it was a little nerve wracking, since the only reason these 3 people attended was to ensure I didn't suck. But luckily they were pleased. So it's good to go.

I'm a little nervous about using their power point laptop, since it won't be my own laptop. But hopefully one of them can change the slides for me or something. Hopefully this will lead to more public speaking and I can be like a younger Tony Robbins kind of thing, or something like that.

I really wish I was already married, with two kids, two bichon frisses, travelling the world, swimming in money, and able to help people get what they want for their lives on a much bigger scale. I'm working towards this stuff, but it's hard sometimes. It sucks to already be 30 and not have what you want yet, and to really be starting over. But I guess that's better than building the wrong thing and having to tear it down later.

Arf arf.

Panic Attacks

Last night one of my friends (who also gets these) started to panic when we were all the way in the back of a crowded Irish bar in the East Village, as far from the door as you can get. I obviously had a ton of empathy for this, and insisted she leave right away, and that we all go. She, unlike me, gets nauseous and dizzy and has to crouch down on the floor to not pass out. That doesn't happen to me, but I instead have to fight the urge to attack the walls around me, which would obviously look odd.

So after we push through the crowd, and she's crouching outside, as we stand in the rain to look for a cab, I realized... the fact that I didn't panic in that situation (crowded place, far from the door), shows me I'm getting calmer.  I still really prefer stairs over elevators though, and I do often find excuses to take a cab instead of the bus. The subway is like some kind of ancient myth to me now, and I'm always surprised to see people actually going into the stations...I know I'll be back on it eventually. But for now, it's been a while.

It's a good thing to know for helping my clients though, since I know how it feels mentally to have everything become so screwed up -- to where you can't feel the ground under your feet, your ideas are floating around like bubbles you can't seem to grab, your task lists seems like a PhD dissertation, and you're numb and dizzy and confused. It's very difficult to make a sound decision at that point, and I understand now how important it is to just help them become aware of where they are at, by asking them what's going on at the moment. Just that awareness that "something is up" or that they are not quite themselves helps them make those decisions they need to make.

Only now am I beginning to feel I'm regaining the logical part of my brain. They say in panic attacks, your brain shifts to the more primitive fear-based part, and that part is activated most of the time, robbing you of your logical abilities -- YES I've felt that for sure! To the point I couldn't separate threat from non-thread or fear from reality, and finally I feel it's coming back to baseline.   

Exercise

I think the working out is helping. I'm really enjoying it, and it's nice to have a trainer. He said I'm already a lot stronger, and I don't get sore as much now.

My trainer, strangely, is also going through a divorce. But he's very positive about it, which is good to see. He has a couple of older kids also. So that has to be pretty tough. I'm glad at least I don't have kids yet. I guess he has some issue where he thinks he's "small" despite being extremely buff, so he actually sees himself as skinny. We've all got something I guess!  I didn't tell him that I'm afraid of trains.

I think the exercise is reducing my anxiety for sure. I feel much more chill now, though I'm not all of the way there.

Speech

I was talking with this lady, preparing for this speech I'm doing, and we were brainstorming...she was telling me about all of these people she knows with strange situations: a woman in a fake marriage with separate bedrooms and no communication, but who really wants to stay in that situation, people who are in stressful and horrible jobs who don't want to go, people in really bad relationships who don't want to leave, etc.

I said it was because of investment. We invest more of ourselves in difficult things, and what is more difficult than a very challenging and BAD relationship or job? That can make it harder to leave, when you've poured so much in and are still waiting for your "reward." That reward probably will never exist. But we wait, like a chain-smoking gambler at a slot machine.

I've seen this happen with my clients. The ones in the most disappointing or up and down relationships are the most committed and we have to work HARD to pry them away. Same with bad jobs. Pry them away. Ordinary or average things are easy to leave.

The same can happen with the dynamics in an unhealthy family. It can be harder to step away from, because you've spent so many years trying to make things better. Or just enduring it, etc.

But eventually, you do have to break away from those things or relationships and blank-slate-it, and use that blank canvas to paint something new. The blank slate portion really does suck though.

On a happier note, here is my spring shellac.