Glued some things on my nails

Glued things on my nails. See above.

My mom's been in town. We saw the cirque du soleil, which was nice. We've also done some shopping, and a lot of walking. We ate some good Chinese food, and Mexican food. I've attempted a no-sugar super cleanse diet several times, and failed several times.

I've made some progress on the panic attacks. I did hypnotherapy, and did a lot of exercises on my own of "talking to my subconscious." Then I looked for the root cause of the first one. I found it, and worked through that. Then I noticed the anxiety really lessened. I went back on the bus, and it was the least anxiety I'd ever had on there. (I hadn't taken the bus in a while).

Then I rode the bus for a few days in a row, and I started practicing on elevators. I did a 5 floor, a 7 floor, and then a 40 floor. No problem with any. That's almost a year now that I hadn't been able to do that! Yay. I had avoided going to rooftop bars, etc.

Then yesterday I did an express bus (also hadn't done that in many months). The bus became trapped behind a spontaneous parade -- ya weird right? I was anxious, but luckily he let us get off the bus -- and good thing, because traffic wasn't going to move for a very long time, and we were only 15 minutes from the Seaport, where we were going. We shopped around there and got dinner.

My next step is to practice adjusting to the subway again (it's been almost a year since I've regularly ridden it). I've only been on 2 times in the last 6 months, and both were horrible. It feels like a near-death experience to have a panic attack, and the physical reaction is about the same as feeling like you're about to die. So I wasn't wanting to get back on it. But after finding out the root cause and sort of releasing that pain, and changing the thought to something more true, I realized I now only have the phobia to let go of, and re-train my brain that transportation does not mean near death!

So now I need to go to the subway platform, and then...go for 1 stop. That scares me a TON, but I'm going to try it. I'm really excited about the idea of being able to take transportation again. I haven't been home in a year and 8 months. And planes will be my final hurdle to jump over. Just taking the subway is huge. There are sections of the city right now that are just impossible for me to get to, without spending $35 on a cab, or take a bunch of slow buses and spending hours.

It's been such a horrible year. Probably my saddest yet. I lost the whole life I was planning on, and I was so thrilled to have. All of the plans we'd made for the rest of our lives, gone. No wedding, or travel, or kids, or anything. Then I lost a lot of friends, as I saw that people weren't there for me, who I'd expected would be. I found myself with a very small group. I'd never felt that alone. Then I started looking at my family and issues w/ that, and realized how alone I'd always felt.

This is my at the FDR house grounds, (above).

I realized a lot of changes my life needed, including my career, as I needed to really revamp some things that were no longer working, and it felt like I had absolutely nothing going well, for a long period of time. Just blankness, sadness, and doing without, in what felt like every area. I spent a lot of time sleeping. Sometimes 13 hours a day. It was a gray, empty, miserable time, and for a long time.

I turned to delivery milkshakes and ice cream and binge drinking for a while, until I started getting sick constantly (all kinds of random problems -- not a surprise w/ such a horrible diet, until I realized I'd taken antibiotics 3 times in a couple months), and gained some weight. So then I realized that wasn't the answer -- duh. Then I started reading tons of books, which helped, and just trying to deal w/ all of the feelings.

I realized I had to clean everything up, or I'd end up addicted to sugar (or who knows what)...it scared my my doctor gave me valium...and though I only took it once and it didn't have any effect, it scared me that maybe I'd start taking it during those tough nights. And then what if I got addicted? So I tried to stop taking anything that could be addictive...I stopped caffeine even. I needed to make sure I dealt w/ my feelings. 

I think I must have cried every single day for the past year. My eyes were never so puffy or dark. At least it's so much less now. I'd cried in public numerous times...at bars, restaurants, on the street. I no longer am embarrassed to cry in public at all. 

But the divorce is finally final now. It felt like a relief, as I ripped open the letter in my mailbox, but also so very sad. And there was no one to go have a drink with and cheers to a new future. I just went to the gym that night, and it was mostly empty except for some ancient old man and they were buffing the floors.

Though I haven't met the right person yet (and I've had some horrid and ridiculous dates w/ some people who may in fact be insane, or at least highly offensive, which I know is just a part of the process -- sheesh I am a dating coach after all, so I do know this intellectually at least...), at least I've had some nice experiences.

I don't regret the marriage at all, even though it was so painful. I guess it was something I just had to go through. It was the happiest and saddest time of my life. I understand some of my clients on a deeper level now. I understand fear in a new way. I understand sadness and grief in a new way also. I have more respect for brains, and how they are suppose to function, and more empathy for people whose brains have been thrown off course due to stress or grief, or panic attacks.

Things were the most secure, and most scary, all at once, being married. It was thrilling and devastating. I'd never had a fuller or happier life, until it was over, and I was never left so empty.

I'll always, always wish him the best though. I believed he was my soul mate, and in moments, he hurt me more emotionally than anyone ever has. Still, everyone deserves to be happy, and I will always appreciate the nice things he did for me, always. I'll remember the moments of joy and kindness. I will never forget them. Just as I'll never repeat the same mistakes I made. I'll focus on what was real to me, even if it wasn't to him. I wish him well. I wish him happiness, and I mean that.

He did truly have wonderful qualities and was one of my smartest and most charming people I'd ever met. And a very good dresser, and so many good things, but our relationship was like a beautiful vase with cracks throughout it, until the entire thing shattered and cut me completely. I'm finally nearly healed.

Such a dark year it's been, and it bothered me that it was so sunny this summer. I'm happy for fall to arrive. I'm not one to broadcast when I'm having problems, so I don't think most people realized how dark it was for me. I guess I prefer to post happy instagram photos, no matter what. I don't like to depress or burden others with my bad moods, but I think it was my lowest point this year.

It was easier to not recite the story to others, because I guess I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. But it did happen. I accept that now.

I really appreciate my mom for listening to all the calls, including the late night ones when I was out drinking and yelling at cab drivers. And my aunt was super supportive and helpful as well. I have deep appreciation for that.

And there were some good things. I got to go to Rhode Island w/ some friends, I saw a few operas, and went to Carnegie Hall -- and though classical music isn't my favorite, it was an interesting experience. I also got to experience two convertibles, a porsche and a BMW -- it's funny how when you're afraid of being confined in transportation, open-air cars with your wind blowing in the air seem to magically manifest. And though none of these people were meant to be, it was still fun. I got to go to brunch at a castle upstate, some museums including FDR's house, a play, some nice dinners, and I got to go to Greenwich, Connecticut to this nice restaurant by the water, plus a lot of dancing at clubs and things.

Now things feel blank again. I had even more disappointments. But I know in time new things will grow. I'm hopeful. I know things will be good. And I've realized that no matter what happens, you can survive it, even if for some time you believe that you can't.

I guess it's all in how you look at it, and whether you count the bad things or the good. If nothing else, at least I'm in the city I love most. New York will always be my number one. I'm so grateful for that.

And now to create something new...